I'm off to Barbados in a while as my mum has passed.
It wasn't unexpected but still I'm a little depressed well actually a lot depressed about it. I think her illness has been one of the reasons I wasn't writing or blogging or doing much of anything over the past 6 months. I just was living in fear of that phone call. Honestly, every time I heard a long distance ring on the phone my heart skipped a beat.
Anyway she has passed and I feel sad no scratch that I feel lost. The last time I was there in March I did feel like we were saying our goodbyes though. I'll be honest, I've hated going to Barbados for the last two years as its felt like every time I went she was slipping further and further away and the pleasant memories were a distant thing. At the end its almost like I've been grieving for a long time as the person I knew, the person who raised me and taught me and made me who I am today for good or bad had slowly disappeared over time leaving only this shell. And now even the shell is gone.
Not sure what else I can say. When my dad died I was able to write a bit and express myself and that helped somewhat. Maybe it will be the same this time although I'm feeling far less eloquent than I did then. Just hoping that I can do her justice in her eulogy.
p.s: guess I'm an orphan now