Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Yes mi Friend

Epilogue: "My friend, would you be interested in making fifty or sixty thousand dollars." I laughed and walked away.

I was in the Bay department store last weekend. Just checking their (ever present) weekend sales when I noticed them out of the corner of my eyes. Two men, caught up in conversation over by the sales rack examining dress shirts. Brothers, I initially thought or perhaps good friends chatting away examining the merchandise. Whatever didn't waste too much brain power on them as I was just doing a quick search of similar racks myself to see if there were any worthwhile deals.

However being cognizant of my surroundings I later heard "well it was nice meeting you my friend, what was your name again?"

Strange I thought and the alarms went off in my head. So they actually were strangers chatting like old friends? Hmmm I never would have guessed. That doesn't usually happen in the T-dot. Here we are known for our rude and churlish big city behaviour towards strangers so unless one of the cats was a recent immigrant then hmmm something just doesn't seem right here.

Shields to maximum strength!

One man left and as it happened the other dude casually sauntered over to the messy rack I was sorting through, nothing in my size or any style or price that I would like.
"Its always difficult to find your size isn't it?" he said as if reading my mind. Ok so that's the ice breaker I thought appearing absentmindedly but aware that he would continue trying to start a conversation.

"Yea, guess that's what happens with these sales" I said appearing not to give full attention to my suitor although I was carefully checking every move the cat made. He continued to dig into the pile of dress shirts 15 1/2, 18 1/2, 13 1/2. No 16 or 16 1/2.

"Are you from Africa my friend?" he asked.

Well right to the chase I see and although I thought it was very presumptuous for him to assume I was from Africa cause I'm black and living in the GTA I inwardly smiled cause I knew the hunt was on. I had become a target but one who was aware he was being hunted. Hmmm how do we play this? Lets mix it up.

"No!" I said still not appearing to pay full attention, still pulling random items out the rack and examining their quality and sleeve length but mind churning as I'm trying to decide if I lie from the outstart or just play oblivious to his scam for a bit. Lets make him work for the actual answer.

"Where are you from?" ah I said to myself he's definitely interested. Meanwhile mind is thinking hmm you know what the men's business attire section is definitely a great place for a scam why didn't I think of that? Location location, location! I mean dudes with possible money to spend and probable decent jobs. Great prospects if you work it right.

"The Caribbean" I said dragging out the dance a few steps longer. Yes I am evil.

"The Caribbean? What island brother? Jamaica?"

All wunnah know is Jamaica I silently chupsed to myself but didn't give away anything on my face.
"No, Barbados." Head and hands still intent on the clothing rack.

"Oh Barbados!" he paused ever so slightly thinking what comes next.
"Oh wow Barbados! That's a great place my friend, great weather." he said with ebullience.
"Why are you here in this weather"
"I ask myself that question daily man"
"How long have you've been here?"
"A few years." I'm hemming and hawing or rather bobbing and weaving like two opponents feeling out each other in a boxing ring. I'm waiting for another exploratory jab cause I grow bored of the game but I did finally make eye contact just to give him some hope.

I know he has a finite opportunity to get in my good graces for the con but yet he only has a slight window into which to throw the scam without it looking like a scam. I'm trying not to smile. Got him where I wanted! He's the one with something to aim for I'm just playing casual cause I know where this ends.

As an aside even if I hadn't clued into him before he approached me the my friend schnick is always an alarm bell for me in these situations.

Anyways we tip toe around the rack like swordsmen seeking strategic footing before the next thrust and parry but I'm feeling like I should play hard to get plus dude isn't playing this as natural as he could if he was a pro. He looks like he's ready to spring the con or at least lay down some more chat to get past my defenses when suddenly I just say "alright guy take care" and leave the rack with purposeful strides, moving around a column to the tie section.

Sorry couldn't hold back the smile cause I could tell he was going to screw up the scam with his next statement. I had to move away and regroup. Dude's an amateur though this much is for certain. Lets see if he follows?

I spent the next few minutes back turned to the predator but well aware of his location pretending that I was examining some well ugly expensive ties. He moved away from the rack as well but he didn't follow me. He seemed to be weighing the pros and cons of continuing our conversation but then he wandered off in the other direction possibly scenting easier and possibly more lucrative prey. Good I thought, at least he didn't embarrass himself with the force ripe con he trying to lay down.

Except it wasn't over.

Circled the column back to another set of dress shirts just as I was getting ready to leave cause I was rather bored with this whole shopping experience. He was circling the area like it was his territory still and my path led me into his trajectory so he made a swift move towards me as I settled on a table full of light blue dress shirts one of which I was touching to check its quality.

"My friend, my friend!" he said just a tad bit too excitedly. I looked up.
"So what do you do my friend?"
Too rushed son, big mistake. I lied, something about computers yada yada. "Oh really, that's good, how is that business going these days yada yada
I lied a bit threw in a few computer words: java, wicket, swing to impress him that I knew what I was talking about. For the record I don't know what they mean but conversing with techies you pick up things.

"I do business all over the US and Canada" he said.
"Oh really," I said not really too excited since I was preoccupied with thinking about how poor a con man this cat was and how bored I was getting. Yawn! Damn man even I could run this game better than you and I'm that suspicious looking big black dude.

"Yes my friend and you know its fortunate that I am meeting you here as we are doing some business in THE BARBADOS." OK J suppress smile.
"Me and my business partners we're having a bit of a problem though. Do you know anyone down there that could help us out."

I hemmed and hawwed some more pretending to be thinking about it. "No not really cant think of anyone."
"No family?"
"Nope no family, I really have no connections down there"

"My friend we really need some help with this issue in THE BARBADOS. My friend, would you be interested in making fifty or sixty thousand dollars." I laughed and walked away.

ps: you guys are all going to say i could have walked away from word one and that's true but then hey I wouldn't have gotten this story.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Marketing Schemes

Stop wastin your money on marketing schemes
and pretty packages pushin dreams to the fiends

It did Sunday morning 11:30 a.m. I know man, yes I shulda been in church praying for muh sins but I had to wait fa sumbody to come an do sumting fa muh so I stan home this marnin. Doan worry I will be there singing loud an outta tune next week.

That is when the phone ring loud loud loud. Long distance ring too. I figure it gotta be muh family in de states cause my mudda woulda been at church long time already. I really wasn't thinking no telemarketer ringing to upset my blessed soul on this crisp God given Sunday marning. Chupse!

Pick up the phone excited thinking I going hear somebody I wanta hear when this woman on the other line start ask questions like she is a policewoman inquiring bout if I is Mr or Mrs Jdid. But wait how she cud mean if I is Mrs Jdid? She trying to say I sound womanish or what? Of course I is Mr Jdid. I had to ask if she had call here already an a strange man answer di phone? Cause looka if dat did de case let me know an I wud have to find out who strange man duz answer my phone pun a day when I aint home an say he aint Mr Jdid.

No she say, first time calling. She doing market research and she got couple lil question for me. Well she juss tryin to mek a few coppers so I figure lemma see wha she saying. Alright den ask away! Hear di woman wid de firss question.

If you were making an addition to your home, what would it be? Cheese on bread den! Wha dat is a difficult question. De pitch like u did hostile this marnin. That wun had me down the pitch clear out de batting crease and wicketkeeper got me bails flying that is I did well well stumped. I couldn't even tell she hol on so I cud call a lifeline.

So after sweating for a few minutes I think a lil and by elimination I tell she if I had de chance I wud add on another bedroom or bathroom to de lil shedroof I got. Hear the woman now, but what about a sunroom? Yea man I say sure my son could get the new bedroom but wait how you know I have a son? You is one a dem stalkers or something so? No sunroom. S.U.N she say. Oh I thought you say son room. Looka stop trying to mess up my head ya.

No nuh sunroom. I aint interested thank you.

Ya sure she says cause we going to be in the neighborhood tomorrow and we giving free estimates on sunrooms. I say no I dont want no sunroom nor daughter room thank you.

But wait I thought to myself how you gine be pushing sunrooms and when you ask me what I wud add on and I tell you a additional bathroom or bedroom you sounding surprised. Wha if you did wanta lead me to say sunroom why you gi me a open ended question like dat an had me sweating so trying to come up wid the answer. Chupse!

Looka wha kinda segue that is into sunrooms doah at all girl? Wha kinda telemarketer you is doah? Try an sort out a better script fa the next body you call ya know. And no I still don't want nuh sunroom unless I cud store lil sunlight in the sunroom fa the winter and I know that that technology aint invent yet or I woulda bring back some bajan sunshine at Christmas fa all like now when the place dark up so.

De woman continue on talking bout free estimate and wid she presumptuous self asking me what time is convenient fa me tomarra. Looka woman you missing the point. I Mr Jdid am telling you that I don't want no sunroom. But the estimate free she say, and in these harsh economic times we aint expect you to buy right now we just showing you the options. Wha dat sound like a waste a both we times then cause if I aint interested in buying and you aint expect me to buy wha is the point a we meeting bout free estimate. You wanta come in my house to see whapart I duz keep my two or three lil valuables in de whatnot so you could plan to come back when me and Mrs Jdid or the fella that say he aint Mr Jdid aint home nuh. Well ya lie cause I aint plan on lettin you in my place fa no free guesstimate fa you to pee eye my few lil things to come back an tief.

Then the woman look at me through the phone and ask me if I know what involved in a free estimate?

Eh eh!

But wait! Wait! Which pieca poppit she think I is that I doan know bout free estimates and who mek she so damn uppity to ask me something so.

Girl which devil send you suh bright n early sunday marnin to upset my pleasant countenance this lord given Sunday marin doah! the old people neva lie boy trouble doan set up like rain! Chupse! Looka ya unmannerly so n so I did trying my best to be polite cause I know ya trying ta mek a lil dollar like everybody else but just cause I doan want you pun my property and I aint building nuh sunroom, star room or moon room aint give you no right to question my common sense asking me if I know wha free estimate is.

Wha you like you tryin ta hurt my feelings ya!

But who um is train you to use the phone cause you getting outta hand girl and ya best to watch yaself cause you like you wud mek me gotta buse you this blessed sabbath and then gotta guh church tonight to repent!

Clearly exasperated by our exchange the telemarketer woman let out a big big sigh of annoyance and hang up the phone on me. Click!

Friday, February 20, 2009

huh what?

Two of the stranger stories this week.

1) Woman's hair weave stops bullet. Am I the only one that finds this story unbeweavable? On another note in these tight fiscal times Police departments should be looking in the feasibility of replacing Kevlar with weave.

2) Chinese mistress contest turns tragic. Seriously first a mistress contest? Well I guess that's not so far fetched with all the slackness on "reality" shows but what does his wife have to say about this one wonders. Then dude obviously broke the cardinal rule of reality TV. Anytime you get rid of a contestant get them the hell away from the rest of contestants and yourself. Like he don't watch TV or something. No he let the woman drive he and 4 other contestants off a cliff. How you going to have the mistress that got eliminated driving the car with all the other contestants in it? Moron!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Jeanette layne Clarke

I'd be going overboard if I said that without Jeanette Layne-Clarke there would be no Doan Mind Me but maybe without Jeanette Layne-Clarke I wouldn't be inspired to juk in a lil Bajan dialect in Doan Mind Me every now and again (read every blinking post!).

I think Ms Layne Clarke who died Monday morning in Barbados did for Bajan dialect what Ms Lou did for Jamaican dialect. Growing up in Bim, I saw her column Lickmout-Lou as a staple of the local newspapers in Barbados and it was probably in those columns that I saw Bajan dialect in print for the first time. Her Lickmout-Lou letters to the fictional Nesta over in away were always creative, good for a laff and looked at issues from the unique bajan perspective.

Ms Layne-Clarke along with the late Alfred Pragnell and Timothy Callender contributed heavily to the culture and storytelling genre in Barbados; writing, performing and introducing us to a slew of typical bajan characters like Lottie and Bruuggadown Boarhog in radio and theatre sketches. Sorry, but for some reason I cant separate the three as much of their work to me seemed so intertwined in terms of who wrote and who performed.

I've got an Alfred Pragnell CD at home with some of those sketches that all three of them created and it is downright hilarious and typically Bajan! I could almost see the characters when I hear their voices.

Consider this trio the Bajan equivalent to Trinidad's Paul Keen's Douglas with their keen sense of storytelling and social commentary.

Well Lou girl, many a fella cud give ya a better send off than me cause I din know ya an you din know me but I still feel like I shud say buhbye and thanks cause I think lil Buhbaydus loss a stalwart and a legend in the literary and cultural fields. Ya do nuff nuff nuff fa we dialect and culture as an outstanding playwright, author, broadcaster and storyteller. Ya really set de bar high in ya field. Outstanding girl real outstanding!

May ya rest in peace.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ok I'm Rhi-loaded

The brother Bajan Reporter has a very nicely put together article over at his site about Miss Rhianna and a whole heap of celebrities in the news for the wrong reason and our societies occupation with schadenfreude. Check that out!

I myself had some more to (ramble) say on this whole situation.

He said, she said, I heard it through the grapevine!

PhotobucketFor one when I first posted I really didn't realize the extent to which the alleged beating had gone. I using that word alleged cause although the man has been arrested it all still really hasn't been confirmed entirely and we're inundated with rumors, truth, slander, speculation and photoshopped jpegs all rolled up into one ball right now and being distributed as fact.

But still a discerning spectator could probably make a decent read of all the information out there and come to some valid, hopefully at least semi-factual conclusions which is what I'm trying to do right now.

For one as I was trying to say with that other sentence that started for one, the only fact, semi-fact, we know appears to be that Rhianna if she is indeed the victim (as might be concluded by her sudden cancellation of two concerts a foreign this week) was beaten pretty badly. This wasn't no two slap push thing (not that we condone those either. This was on some punks jump up to get beat down, i caught you tiefing my grandmother money or troubling my chile, pugilism 101 type ish. Punches were not pulled. There seems to be no doubt of that. Blows were shared, a young lady's face was rearranged, buss lip, black eye, contusions etc and there is possibility of cosmetic surgery to fix the damage (speculation on that last part so far though).

But what caused the incident? Speculation galore! Was it flirting with Leona Lewis, somebody sharing his and her peas (without the rice to go along with it), text messages, Rhianna's supposedly controlling and jealous nature, car keys getting tossed, the natural reaction to hearing the Umbrella song just one time too many or Chris Brown's out of control latent mutant powers flaring up nuhbody can tell and likely never will be able to say what really happened between the two of them. He say, she say!

What is fact though is that the reaction around the world, online, on radio shows etc has been varied. Now I'm not one to say guilty until proven innocent and yea I'm bajan like Rhianna (although I don really dig her music and was probably a bigger fan of Chris Brown than her prior to this) so I may be biased but could we strip this situation down to its essence, remove the celebrity statuses and the biases towards the individuals involved. If we could do that I find it difficult that anyone could justify or give a pass to a dude who would beat up his girl like that (allegedly).

But like the saying goes everybody cant hate ya and Chris Brown for all the discussion about his actions still seems to have a fair amount of fans who can justify his actions by rumours of stds (still trying to figure out what this got to do with standard deviation?), jealousy, Lamborghini keys being dashed way and feisty uncontrollable too jealous Caribbean female traits. I'm sorry I really cant understand how anything like that comes close to justifying his actions but maybe its just me.

Stop spreading rumours rumours rumours about me.

Then there are the rumours as to this not being their first battle and Chris's alleged destroying of this that and the third that belonged to Rhianna on his last trip to Barbados possibly the result of alleged jealousy as well. Who knows! But it does bring into focus a question as to whether this was his first (alleged) abuse in this relationship or whether Rhianna had already felt his wrath (allegedly).

That of course leads to the old "well how stupid is this girl that she would stick with someone who abuses her" question which has been asked of thousands of women, celebrity and non-celebrity over the years.

If this isn't the first time why did she stick with him? Should we write her off as an idiot and feel less sympathy for her and less derision for him if she didn't leave him at the first sign of trouble?

Does repeated domestic offense make it more palatable or less worthy of condemnation?

How will this affect both of their careers?

I'll leave the answers and conclusions up to you cause my brain just rambling.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Oh no he didnt!

PhotobucketWoe is me shame an scandal in de family!

Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris wha ya gone an do boy?

Dem say (allegedly) that you beat up we bajan girl rhi rhi and mek she miss de Grammys last night. cuhdear!

Excuse me mister but wha happen to all the lovey dovey dovey dovey kiss kiss kiss you used ta sing about?

Wuhloss ya din have to treat the poor girl so! Wha happen man, you had Ike Turner flashbacks or Rhianna miss an juk ya wid de umba-rella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh?

I still cant believe it Chris. I mean after all the hard work you and Terrence Howard do mekkin light skin brothers relevant again this is how ya end up?

Tell me that you was practicing some a dem krumping hypy dance moves and she juss happen to get in the way an get lik down. Tell me something so man. Doan tell me you willfully try to hurt the poor girl. Wha Chris Breezy like he aint easy at all den.

Looka boy you gine got to turn rapper now cause you cant be nuh more rnb singer, wid 95% women fans an bruise battering women so. That cant mek it star cause women gine/should boycott ya after this! Reputation gone through the eddoes boy! Even R Kelly din beating nuhbody. Ya best to denounce the rnb an turn rapper from now and at least you could try an work a publicity thing pun this and save ya career.

But fa true though man, after the woman tek you to Bim ta meet all she family an spend Christmas feed you up wid all sorta bajan jug jug and baked ham an Christmas great cake an ting so this is how you repay she?

Man dat aint right ya kno! If things din wukkin out, do like Main Source and look at the Front door, leff she off, go your separate ways.

Well well well! An to think de girls say ya suh young (19) and good looking and looka wha you doing! Ya lucky she aint family ta me boy or else ..........

An Miss Rihanna I would advise you to press de charges and den leff he off. I dont know the full story but dont be foolish,if he hit ya, get out of that abusive relationship. Nuh partner aint worth it if them gine raise a hand to hit you. Doan let nuhbody fool you that that is love.

But looka how you gone an get in this baccanal so, when juss the other day I had people telling me well at least Rihanna aint gettin nuh bad publicity like some a dem bad girls in the showbizness. Now look now you gone an end up in bare scandal so. Shame shame shame.


Sunday, February 08, 2009


So rarely do I get to celebrate anything regarding West Indies cricket these days. The team generally sucks but yesterday we beat England by an innings and 23 runs bowling out England in their second innings for a paltry 51. First win against England in a test match in 9 years apparently.

Shades of glories past it was. Revenge for us being bowled out for 47 in 2004. And further proof that cricket really is a game of glorious uncertainties as the cocky British didn't give us a chance before this series started and assumed this would be a blitzkrieg.


And even though the English will now return with every single excuse under the sun to downplay our emphatic victory, since former colonies should never be better than colonizers, and even though our team could prove this to be a one off wonder and go back to sucking tomorrow, as likely they will, there is something supremely satisfying about sticking it to the mother country and wiping the smiles off their oh so smug faces.

Take that England!

Congrats West Indies!

Taylor routs England for 51

England Capitulation, Clueless and Shameful

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


Smoking the indo, by the window is sticky
Mad Izm - Channel Live/Krs-One

So multiple Olympic gold winner Michael Phelps, the man who set a record with 8, count them 8, he could give one each to that woman with the octuplets, gold medals in swimming in one Olympic setting was photoed hitting some chronic, taking a hit from the bong this past weekend.

To his credit Phelps seems to have claimed responsibility for his actions and that's commendable but still.

PhotobucketWell to be honest, and let me get this out of the way I'm not making up excuses for Phelps, he's an idiot, but I think the young man is just enjoying himself. Not that I saying this is in any means the right way to enjoy yourself just that the man was in training for years for his gold medal feat and now he has tasted success and fulfilled his dream he's wilding out with his new found stripper girlfriend and enjoying some 'erb and hitting the strip clubs. I mean all the man was doing was swimming up and down and down and up for years like some sort of trained seal, now he's on top of the game and living the high life. (pun intended)

No seriously not to give him a pass by any means but you can see he's probably just letting down his hair here after the strict regime he was on for years and he probably as a pampered athlete is really pretty immature. Plus he has big money endorsements now too so take immature add money and you know where that leads. Yep, insert Paris Hilton cutout.

That said still I am a little surprised by how muted the reaction is to this misstep by Phelps. I thought they had him big up as a role model and all that. I would have assumed that at the least a few of his sponsors would take him to task for being a jackass and getting photoed smoking even if it was only that one time he was sparking an L.

A "Next time at least make sure no cameras around you moron" or a we don't want our wholesome goodness tainted by a druggie like you comment so we are withdrawing sponsorship. I mean especially given this economic climate and a company could find an out like a morality clause for one of those big celebrity contracts and save some money I figured they would use it. So far though not one sponsor has come down on him. Wow!

Instead the ranks have closed and everyone has said is just youthful indiscretion forgive him. First time mistake, coulda happen to anyone, cuhdear we will forgive him etc etc. What gives here?

What about those other athletes who get caught smoking a lil spliff and the book is thrown at them. Why just last year NBA rookies Chalmers and Arthurs were caught with weed at orientation camp and had the book thrown at them and the press get up in an uproar and claim how much eediat and fool they were to be doing that and how they needed to be role models and set examples and was embarrassing the league etc etc. And it wasn't even like we had no pictures of them sucking a glass pipe.

So how come Phelps getting an ease?

And what about all the no-name not so famous youth that get arrested for weed possession nobody don't come out and say well they just kids, they immature, they was just experimenting, give them a ease. Naa star we throw the book at them call them druggies and addicts and point and warn our young girl children to stay away from them cause they aint going turn out nuh good.

So how come Phelps getting an ease?

I know the medals are golden but are they some type of currency that you can redeem for a vote of confidence or two excuses to escape public rebuke? If so I know O.J is probably wishing he had about two or three a dem right now.

They say well weed don't positively affect you as a sportsman it likely to negatively affect you so is all right, youthful indiscretion we give you a pass but you know my mind wonders what kind of reception a fella like Usain would have gotten if he was caught smoking up?

I don't think it would be the same but who knows.