Sunday, February 22, 2009

Marketing Schemes

Stop wastin your money on marketing schemes
and pretty packages pushin dreams to the fiends


It did Sunday morning 11:30 a.m. I know man, yes I shulda been in church praying for muh sins but I had to wait fa sumbody to come an do sumting fa muh so I stan home this marnin. Doan worry I will be there singing loud an outta tune next week.

That is when the phone ring loud loud loud. Long distance ring too. I figure it gotta be muh family in de states cause my mudda woulda been at church long time already. I really wasn't thinking no telemarketer ringing to upset my blessed soul on this crisp God given Sunday marning. Chupse!

Pick up the phone excited thinking I going hear somebody I wanta hear when this woman on the other line start ask questions like she is a policewoman inquiring bout if I is Mr or Mrs Jdid. But wait how she cud mean if I is Mrs Jdid? She trying to say I sound womanish or what? Of course I is Mr Jdid. I had to ask if she had call here already an a strange man answer di phone? Cause looka if dat did de case let me know an I wud have to find out who strange man duz answer my phone pun a day when I aint home an say he aint Mr Jdid.

No she say, first time calling. She doing market research and she got couple lil question for me. Well she juss tryin to mek a few coppers so I figure lemma see wha she saying. Alright den ask away! Hear di woman wid de firss question.

If you were making an addition to your home, what would it be? Cheese on bread den! Wha dat is a difficult question. De pitch like u did hostile this marnin. That wun had me down the pitch clear out de batting crease and wicketkeeper got me bails flying that is I did well well stumped. I couldn't even tell she hol on so I cud call a lifeline.

So after sweating for a few minutes I think a lil and by elimination I tell she if I had de chance I wud add on another bedroom or bathroom to de lil shedroof I got. Hear the woman now, but what about a sunroom? Yea man I say sure my son could get the new bedroom but wait how you know I have a son? You is one a dem stalkers or something so? No sunroom. S.U.N she say. Oh I thought you say son room. Looka stop trying to mess up my head ya.

No nuh sunroom. I aint interested thank you.

Ya sure she says cause we going to be in the neighborhood tomorrow and we giving free estimates on sunrooms. I say no I dont want no sunroom nor daughter room thank you.

But wait I thought to myself how you gine be pushing sunrooms and when you ask me what I wud add on and I tell you a additional bathroom or bedroom you sounding surprised. Wha if you did wanta lead me to say sunroom why you gi me a open ended question like dat an had me sweating so trying to come up wid the answer. Chupse!

Looka wha kinda segue that is into sunrooms doah at all girl? Wha kinda telemarketer you is doah? Try an sort out a better script fa the next body you call ya know. And no I still don't want nuh sunroom unless I cud store lil sunlight in the sunroom fa the winter and I know that that technology aint invent yet or I woulda bring back some bajan sunshine at Christmas fa all like now when the place dark up so.

De woman continue on talking bout free estimate and wid she presumptuous self asking me what time is convenient fa me tomarra. Looka woman you missing the point. I Mr Jdid am telling you that I don't want no sunroom. But the estimate free she say, and in these harsh economic times we aint expect you to buy right now we just showing you the options. Wha dat sound like a waste a both we times then cause if I aint interested in buying and you aint expect me to buy wha is the point a we meeting bout free estimate. You wanta come in my house to see whapart I duz keep my two or three lil valuables in de whatnot so you could plan to come back when me and Mrs Jdid or the fella that say he aint Mr Jdid aint home nuh. Well ya lie cause I aint plan on lettin you in my place fa no free guesstimate fa you to pee eye my few lil things to come back an tief.

Then the woman look at me through the phone and ask me if I know what involved in a free estimate?

Eh eh!

But wait! Wait! Which pieca poppit she think I is that I doan know bout free estimates and who mek she so damn uppity to ask me something so.

Girl which devil send you suh bright n early sunday marnin to upset my pleasant countenance this lord given Sunday marin doah! the old people neva lie boy trouble doan set up like rain! Chupse! Looka ya unmannerly so n so I did trying my best to be polite cause I know ya trying ta mek a lil dollar like everybody else but just cause I doan want you pun my property and I aint building nuh sunroom, star room or moon room aint give you no right to question my common sense asking me if I know wha free estimate is.

Wha you like you tryin ta hurt my feelings ya!

But who um is train you to use the phone cause you getting outta hand girl and ya best to watch yaself cause you like you wud mek me gotta buse you this blessed sabbath and then gotta guh church tonight to repent!

Clearly exasperated by our exchange the telemarketer woman let out a big big sigh of annoyance and hang up the phone on me. Click!

17 comments:

Will said...

aaaaaaaaaaahahaha...

i go look for you the next time i buy a kings and queens of caribbean comedy dvd... hehe...

Empath said...

Lol.

Crankyputz said...

Oh God, You made me laugh so hard....people thought there was somehting wrong with me..

You the best Jdid...

Campfyah said...

ha ha ha ha you ghi she a lotta time dah Sundee Morning, I would tell she tuh fly in hell long time. dem got nerve calling on a Sunday morning

Olivia said...

I laughed so hard too I was embarrassed for myself! There's *nothing* quite like an indignant West Indian.

bakannal said...

lol. it's a pity i can't post a video of me laffin here. the day just made a good start. tanx.

attheendofmylens.com said...

she, hung up on you - too funny!
funny too, that i was at my sister's house yesterday and the phone rang 'long distance' and she said "naw, it's 'bill collector's'" (she's got a daughter not paying her bills). i never knew they switched up their rings now! how sneaky.

JerseyTjej said...

I keep forgetting to blogroll you...you kill me and in a good way!

Anonymous said...

A dope MC is a dope MC.

GC (God's Child) said...

ditto all the chortles guffaws and chuckles
good one

Stunner said...

LOL!!! Man that was funny, but on a serious note from mi seh no, mi woulda tune out long time.

Abeni said...

Hahahahahahah..poor telemarketer

aquababie said...

LOL why is telemarketing on a sunday???

lindadominique said...

My posts aren't coming through. I said something funny too.

Grant Miller said...

I saw a homeless woman wearing a Snuggie. I couldn't believe it.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Well, lemme tell you, seeing that nobody ain't telling you...tings really bad with you when a telemarketer hang up on you, hahahahaha...

oops, I ain't mean to laff...

but it was you who was supposed to hang up on she...snicker.

Andrea said...

I nearly woke up my sleeping son reading this, you're hilarious