Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Revenge of the Swine

also called How swine flu started as narrated by Jdid the pork prophet and seer to the swine.

And so it is written in the second book of Pork-etry chapter 9 beginning at verse 3.

Chapter 9.
3. For blessed are the ham makers, and those that bring home the bacon.
4. And let all those who have snouts rejoice for verily the day will come when those who have risen up against them will be rewarded justly or unjustly an eye for each eye plucked and a rib for each delicious barbecue rib not devoured.
5. but beware of pigs who sniffle and are congested
6. For it is written that they have rebuked thee and chastised thee out of jealousy because of the sweetness of thine meat for it is known that thou art the chosen of the lord and have been made the sweetest of all meats on earth but from hence the swine flu will be a great leveller and will bring them back to the fold.
7. For it shall seek out those who have continually borne false witness against thee and have downpressed and forced thee to wallow in unclean swill these many years. Naa they shall finally see the light and they shall be judged for their sins against thee.
8. Neither the tender lambs of the fields, the bovine of the stables or birds of the sky ie geese, chicken etc shall inherit the earth with thee but they shall perish on the plates of the McDonalds and KFC, their endings a tasteless testament to your greatness.

and continuing in Chapter 11

7. And behold it came to pass in the year of our Lord 2009, there arose a great uproar from the multitude of swine.
8. And they were filled with anger and much wrath.
9. For they had been castigated and pilloried for many a day, indeed many a season, indeed almost from the beginning of time.
10. So swine kind of all ilks: pot bellied, big bellied, pink, off-pink, good for nothing and industrious, everybody but guinea pigs who aren't actually swine by the way, all journeyed south (to old Mexico) to chew the fat ...so to speak.
11. And there arose from the multitude, a speaker, one called Napoleon, a rasta pig, from an Orwellian animal farm to address the assemblage of the swine bredren.
12. He who was known for his oratory skills and had coined the phrase "all animals are created equal but pigs a run things rude bwoy!"
13. And verily when the assemblage had been quieted behold he spoke
14. My distinguished pig bredren, alas we have been castigated and ridiculed for many a day, indeed many a century and as far back now as our collective memories can now remember.
15. And we have taken it all in stride because we have always believed that sticks and stones may hurt our bones but words would never harm us although to be quite honest we have all known the sting of having slovenly humans, gluttons and police officers being accosted by what is seen as an insult and referred to as pigs.
16. and untidy locations being referred to a a sty.
17. This must all cease.
18. And we believed that the truth would eventually be made known once and for all.
19. And that the vicious rumours and innuendo which we believe to have been started many centuries hence, by some dirty jealous ol cow of course, would cease forever and swine kind would once more rejoice and frolic joyously with mankind and animal kind in a show of unity
20. playing in special mud like the type that the rich people put on their faces at spas and such.

Chapter 12 -
1. For was it not written in the second chapter of the first book of Pork-etry that verily scales shall be lifted from their eyes and they shall be like a people seeing for the first time and they shall realize that pork is too, too, too sweet.
2. For were not the swine saved also by Noah in his ark at the bequest of the Lord? And if then swine be so unclean why did God choose at that moment to not smite us or choose not to have us drown or become extinct like the dinosaurs or the dodos? (Gotcha!)
3. But alas for many a day our feelings and that of our ancestors have been hurt as first the Muslims and the Jews, then later the Adventists amongst the Christian folks, even in the face of the New Testament saying call nothing neither common nor unclean,
4. have subjected us to immense ridicule making us outcasts and lepers even amongst our farm animal brothers and rejected our presence on their tables preferring the bacon from the ignoble turkey and calling us unclean,
5. because we chewed not our cud, even though it is well known that chewing cud is a sign of stupidity and it is also known that we have sweeter meat than the bovines.
6. And in later days when religion started to hold less sway in the world and the world became more secular, and the cows were stricken by the deadly Jacob Crutzfeldt, there was hope that our ribs, succulent bacon and pigtails would find a new niche and finally be recognized for the value that they hold.
7. But there arose ones called nutritionists and health food fanatics and other heretics to continue with the crusade against our flesh saying pork is unhealthy and our meat was not readily digestible and other such obscene lies which made the people afraid and turned the people even further against us.
8. But alas enough is enough for vengeance is thine saith the lord and is he not lord of all swine-don (as opposed to all Swindon which I think is a spot in the UK).
9. So verily it came to me hence in a vision. The time for revenge is nigh on hand.
10. Let them again blame us for this swine flu but let all shudder in fear
11. for Jah say lik dem wid diseases!
12. And there arose a great noise like the terror of an intense thunderstorm as the assembled hosts oinked loudly in support and the council of swine-don murmured in appreciation of the oration of Napoleon and approved of his idea to use the swine flu as a weapon against the anti-swine-ites and the haters of ham.
13. And so it came to pass.

Here ends this evenings lesson.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Style a style

I aint complaining, believe me I aint. But there is just one thing about when the hot weather hit Toronto that bugs me.................... these Toronto people duz completly forget hot to dress properly.

I guess that is what duz happen when it is winter 8 months of the year and people duz get excited once they feel a lil warmth on their skin but still some of these people duz really get carried away by the warm weather.

For instance today I out enjoying the sunshine and the heat on mi skin but everytime I look around I seeing fashion faux pas like dem going out of style. Like the old white fella at the subway station wearing shorts and got dem half pull down like the young fellas duz wear except he aint wearing no underwear and all we seeing is hairy butt crack staring at everybody. Lawd ave merci!

Or the young sista wearing the backless outfit with her breasts push up but still all her bra straps and the back of the bra showing out. I mean I not sure if there is actually any time when it is fashinonable to be showing off your bra but clearly this outfit was not it especialy since the bra din matching the top at all at all.

And the always present spandex wearers. Tell me why you would wear white spandex pants and not wear proper undergarments under it. I mean wunnah trying to give me nightmares or just scare me from leaving my house this summer. Cuhdear!

And no I aint complaining about showing skin. I accept that some will always show more than they should but what I got issues with is the lack of fashion, the styles that aint no style at all

Hence I will proposing spring refresher fashion classes to help people recover fashion sense in the wake of a brutal winter. Mek them mandatory too.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

fast food

I saw this article from England yesterday:

The hit squad had prepared their raid long in advance.

At 10am eight police officers, some in anti-stab vests, joined three council employees on the doorstep of the Bamboo Joint takeaway.

Their mission? To stamp out the practice of selling jerk chicken within 400 metres of a secondary school.

Yesterday, the Jamaican cafe in Leytonstone, East London, became the first takeaway in the country to be given a closure order under guidelines banning the sale of fast food near educational establishments.

All I could do is laugh cause I figure this has to be the first time anybody ever refer to a west indian resturant as serving fast food.
lawd ave mercy! had these authorities done due dilligency they would have realized that food from west indian resturants is some of the slowest food in the world ....assuming they even have what you want. I mean I know some west indian places with lunch specials advertise that you hit the place at 12:45pm and they still aint finish cook their first pot a rice. Fast food! wunnah mekkin sport!

And while I wont say west indian cusine is the healtiest food out there come on now can you really compare a nice peas n rice dinner with kfc or mcdonalds. Give me a break!

And what exactly is an anti-stab vest? These Brits duz got a funny name fa evating nuh.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Weatherman say

One thing about living up North in this place. When the weather nice ya duz really appreciate it. And yes I would prefer to live in a place that warm all round like Buh-bay-dus but alas its not to be at the moment. Still when you living someplace like Toronto and you see the weather heat up to something livable after a cruelly cold and bitter winter it duz really change ya disposition and make you appreciate things a lil different.

When 30 Celsius is ya norm ya tend to take it for granted. Here bram we see 15C after a cold cold winter and we looking to celebrate; the shorts come out, the sunglasses and we feeling like we in de tropics.

And annuda thing ya duz realize and its strange cause you don't realize it til afterwards but during the winter people duz be real real scarce. It doesn't seem so at the time cause unless is big snowstorm you still see a fair amount of hustle and bustle in the everyday goings and comings during the winter and the subways and malls duz still be packed but once the nice weather hit even for a day you realize just how big this place is wid plenty plenty people as they just seem to come out of the woodwork, milling on patios and sitting on benches and just trying to capture as much of the suns precious rays as possible. If I din know better I would swear that in spring people duz split and multiply and bloom like de flowers in the garden.

But that is how it is. When sunlight scarce ya appreciate it that much more when you do get it I think. We Caribbean people at home doan appreciate it so. It duz be like "cheese on bread why the sun gotta be suh hot this marnin um is 9 o clock an i sweating already" meanwhile a fella like me duz be up hayso bundle up in summuch fur jacket that people mistaking me for de Yeti.

Anyways doan worry we Canadian people (good gosh dem assimilate me an got me referring to a "we" now. help muh nuh) gine soon start complaining juss ya wait an see. Come it hit 25 and 30C next month or month after next all dem gine start saying well at least when um cold ya can put on layers but when um hot ya cant tek off ya skin and dem gine be cussing sun and killing electricity wid de aircon at negative numbers trying to recreate fridges in their homes and offices. But dat is people fa ya, never appreciate nuttin uh. cha!

Not me though, nuh complaints bout heat fa me, I look forward to my 30C, I wish it was so everyday.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Ramping Shop

Ok this aint no Easter post!

Now nuff words have been said about the banning of Ramping Shop and other songs of its ilk by the Jamaican authorities. Although I have a view, I wont weigh in here on whether it was right or wrong cause some will argue society echoing art and others art echoing society, is a chicken or egg dilemma and too much interaction between the two for me to win an argument on that in a lil 200 word blog.

Now I hear the Ramping shop song a few times cause it been on the mixes for a few good months but I really aint pay much attention to anything besides the riddim. That was until this past weekend where I was walking around with the ipod and the song came on and I finally listened closely to the lyrics and realized how slack they were. I mean yea I've heard worse in my day but still ya cant consider this song decent nuhway ya look at it. Dem people was talkin bout some things dat turn mi head boy! Wha, I even had to google some of them lyrics to figure out what them was talking bout.

But one particular lyric in that song had me. It was the line Vybz uses about "Deal wid yuh breast like mi crushing irish". Potatoes I assume. Actually it reminded me of the Mavado "squeeze her breasts like the trigger of my gun" lyric from another dancehall song. So I stop in my tracks and was there visualizing some fella with a potato masher or a fork in he hand and he mashing way hard hard hard on the poor woman's boobs or another fella squeezing breasts like he is a shotta in a Die Hard II or Terminator movie and wondering if while he squeezing he duz stay low and keep firing, whether he shooting a regular handgun or a semi automatic and whether he duz dive bout like dem fellas in the movies while still shooting cause damn that sounds like some serious pain infliction to me. Ouch! And I was wondering but is how dat could be pleasurable to either party involved? Wha dat doan mek nuh sense. Wuhloss !

But that one line was an eyeopener for me. I mean I been listening to dancehall from since Yellowman and Lovindeer was running tings and it never really hit home for me until now. I mean I know the music is misogynistic an all but still something dawned on me that I hadn't considered before.

Ya ever notice that sex in dancehall songs doan sound pleasant at all? It duz sound like war and violence, murda in de market like somebody getting beat kill. I mean if I personally was an alien from another planet (and I not confirming that I am or am not) and my first introduction to Jamaica was via current dancehall music my first thought would be that sex in Jamaica is something akin to an ancient gladiator brawl or the WWF with all these wicked slams and that Jamaican women quite frankly must long time ago either have invested in full body armour for sex or are alternately all dead from being "killed with it" or are walking around crippled or handicapped from the nuff bruises, broken limbs and war wounds which are sure to have been inflicted courtesy of all the stabbing, jukking and daggering that duz be going on in songs. I mean 100 juks, 1000 stabs, wha ya cant pass that off as manslaughter no way ya look at it. Something so could only be premeditated murder in the first degree to me.

And then I was reading a ting on the Nation website yesterday and realize well is not only women suffering from this daggering thing cause according to them lately penises in Jamaica breaking rather fracturing at a record rate. Apparently all the daggering and juks and stabs backfiring and fellas getting wounded. Well a so it a go I guess.


Still all I saying again is if you follow dem dancehall fellas you cud only find yaself in trouble. All them juks and stabs somebody gotta get hurt and that is my perspective whether i is an alien or not.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Facial therapy

I always wonder about the people that design cosmetic products for men. And by cosmetics I not talking no makeup I mean like creams and lotions and hair products and the like cause it seems to me like the cosmetic companies duz put nuff nuff money into producing and marketing all sorta items to women who they see as a discerning bunch with plenty money to spend to look pretty pretty but then they duz juss quickly slap together some residue in the lab and market it to men.

Case in point. You ever notice that any type of facial cream or face wash or after shave business that marketed towards a man duz all stan a certain way? Don't let them fool ya! They duz market them off with sporting icons and the like and use words like cool and refreshing and brisk and chilling and show you people jumping in pools and muscular six pack fellas with nice hair and pronounced faces rubbing their chin and splashing on the product looking like some Adonis and you duz feel that the product nice nice. Well if so n so use this it might be saying something you think.

Then you try the thing and ya duz realize that all them sort of words so to excite ya with visions of nice sea breezes and fresh air is nothing but code words meaning burn and sting.

Is like dese people feel that we faces mek outta old leather. (Which reminds me, I remember one time them had a certain shampoo that say when ya feel the tingle that mean it working. Well boy tingle was code word for when ya feel like somebody slap ya in ya head wid a Molotov cocktail and ya scalp on fire and you run screaming from the shower that means its working.)

I feel dese lab fellas dont test these products properly. They duz test on animals like dragons or armadillos or rhinoceroses or something so or they duz use some old fella that he been testing these products since 1934 when he face get burn off in an industrial incident or something so and he aint got nuh sorta nerves endings in he skin left.

Cause dem products marketed to men duz be harsh harsh harsh. Well not all but quite a lot of them. But then that is what ya get when you look and see who duz produce some of these products. People that make razor blades shouldn't be making no creams and lotions, people dat duz mek athletic gear (I mean wunnah Adidas) shouldn't be diversifying into no body wash.

Them fella dont have no clue!

Anyways I growing a beard. Done wid all that burning off my face.