Saturday, April 13, 2013

Immigrant Rage

So ah gone in the convienence store this morning to get a Lotto ticket for this record $55 million dollar draw tonight.

Three people in the store besides me and de store owner: one old black lady with a walker buying nuff nuff Lotto tickets, anudda lady who aint have nuttin in she hand but in line right ahead a me and anudda fella in his 50s or 60s in a  black baseball cap wid a lil man purse in he hand looking around in de store.

So I stan up in line a few minutes, looking at mi phone killing time and the store owner tekin long long to sort out the old lady lotto tickets. Going back and forth to the machine and looking around.

Out a de blue so he ask the fella that looking round the store if he looking fa something in particular.

Well boy like Paul Keens' character Tante Merle wud say "Who tell he to say dat?"

De fella look up wid he face set up and gettin vex.

"Why you ask me so fa?"

"Well is 15 minutes ya walk roun an pick up items and put dem down so if ya looking fa something in particular ask me."

All now ah cud see the gears in the man head turning in a slow and deliberate manner like "wait! wha I cant believe this man feel I is a criminal" an the man face gettin more an more vex

"I duz come in here and you duz see me in here buying Lotto tickets all the time. You think I is a TIEF?" he said while moving slowly and deliberately in the store.

"I din say that but I been watching you on camera for over 15 minutes now. Ya see all dem cameras dey?  And I slowing down my customers and up here watching pun the screen an ya just picking up things and putting dem down in the wrong place so if ya buying buy something."

"So you watching me? You feel I is a FOOKIN TIEF!" A pure rage pun the man face now and voice raise.

Old lady upfront sensing the tension asks the store owner to serve the rest of us in line cause by now another fella come in and standing behind me and a young girl who I Saw at the bank earlier gone down in the store back to use the ATM machine.

The customer now letting fly. "Allya duz come from Fookin NUTTIN and think that everybody a Fookin tief!" steam fly from him ear now like locomotive or ona dem tv cartoon characters that eat hot peppa.

"I doan need to come in your Fookin store!"

"Well leave then."

The lady ahead a me give the store owner $20 to buy a phone card for $10 and den realizing the store owner all offset over this confrontation decide let me just buy $20 worth and get out this place before things escalate.

The upset customer still standing there deliberating what he going do next. Lawd doan let this ting escalate, ah juss come from de people dem church service an now ah going dead buying Lotto tickets. How dat going look?  Ah gine get read out de church.

I give the store owner my money to get the Lotto ticket. All a sudden, from nowhere, the aggrieved customer up next to me at the counter. "I been in this country 33 Fookin years ya kno. 33 Fookin years and I aint have to tief nuttin yet"
"I look like a Fookin tief! to you"
"I look like a low life tief to you?"

I back away cause the man look like he ready to jump ova de counter an buss de owner head and I juss want mi likkle chance fi de 55 million so I just trying to mek sure the owner still remember him ave my money an get me muh lotto ticket an gi me back me change so I can go bout me business. If de wife had buy the blasted Lotto ticket yesterday when she pass the store like I ask she to I wun be in all this pottuh now.

"I look like a Fookin Tief to you?"
"If I see you on the street I goan kick ya in ya head."

"Go, Go" says the shop owner now looking like damn I think I bit off more than I was looking for here.

And the aggrieved customer leaves taking his sweet time to walk out though. Slowly deliberately shuffling. Got the impression he was weighing his options like should I buss this man in him head or throw down some of his merchandise in his store. No cameras be watching I going leave it alone for now.

"Is not worth the aggravation Louie. I tell ya so aready" says the old lady who interestingly enough (to me anyways) has a bajan accent.

The shop owner clearly shaken and offset takes mi money puts it in the cash register an I still looking at him like "yo skippa gi muh muh Lotto ticket nuh! chupse"


Guyana-Gyal said...

Yuh mean to tell me, yuh had yuh chance to not buy dat lotto ticket in case war did start in that shop and all your church people would find out what yuh do and yuh still hold out that yuh want that ticket!

And now look, yuh blaming yuh wife, too.

Boy, Jdid, I WISH you would blog more.

VirginiaC said...

I am here laughing till the tears in my eyes and my nose sniffly.
I forward this post to everyone that I know.
THANKS for this great piece of narrative to crack me to hell up.

Dee said...

nice one!

owen said...

at the rate she going she probably post 15 things dis year.

Jdid said...

amm who you calling she doah Owen?

ac said...

funny but could have been a disaster in the making. btw did u have any winning numbers