Sunday, July 16, 2006

What women want

If only one could throw a block called emotion into the enormous chasm that separates the sexes. If that was possible maybe we might understand each other better. Maybe it is possible who am I to say. All I know is that men and women are different and one of the major differences is in emotional responses.

'Cause I'm so sick of love songs , so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here.....'

I'm not that big on r'n'b aside from a few female artists with some soul in their voices but I confess I actually like the words to Neyo's so sick. Yea usually r'n'b for me is about complaining about whose beat they jacked, which rapper will hit the remix with tight rhymes and can dude or sista girl actually sing without getting too deep into the lyrics but something about "So sick" yea I'm kinda feeling that joint.

Driving across the 401 singing the first verse to the song I was asked by my wife why I liked the song. I don't know I replied its just the way its put together I guess. Its almost poetic. But its so unlike you she said cause you know you'd never do something like that. Yea that's true but that doesn't mean I cant like the song.

Anyway a brother figured these comments were some underlying dig about my emotion or lack of emotion going on. A conversation ensued and I came to some realizations somewhat afterwards which may or may not be flawed but whatever I'll share.

Women don't know what they want. Ok that's a silly way to put it. Lets rather say that what women want in a man always seems a lot more complicated than what men want in a woman. I think its because we probably prefer to deal more in absolutes than they do. They comfortably operate in some really grey areas while we prefer black and white.

Woman doh like soft man.

That's what Penguin said in his calypso back in the 80s and why a lot of cats on the prowl out there have this veneer, this machismo, this Plexiglas thug portrayal that they persist with because they have seen it work for other guys. And it does work actually. Think about it. When a lady checks out a guy 9 times out of 10 she'll be first attracted to the cat who portrays that strong, hold it down, confident sometimes to the point of cocky attitude over the more emotional cat. But women always say they want someone who is in touch with their emotions. Still the crying sensitive type only gets the girls in the movies.

Am I the only one getting mixed messages here?

Oh and I should confirm that I've come to the conclusion also that when women say emotions they mean vulnerability and crying. They want to see you shed a few tears if not flat out lose it and bawl like ya mudda dead. Somehow that's sexy or something. It says you are vulnerable and can share your feelings and bare your emotions and apparently that you are strong enough to show them your sensitive side without feeling like it makes you weaker.

So while guys think women want a strong, silent type, hunter gatherer, take charge cat what women also want is a guy who can cry. Oh not saying that women don't want the take charge type cat its just they want one who can also cry. You must have duality be strong when you need to be strong be soft when you need to be. Or so I'm told.


Its like that Friends episode where Rachel was going out with a character played by Bruce Willis. Cat is all android like, wont show any emotion so she sets out to break him and make him cry. It takes awhile but she finally does and then the guy cries ...and cries and cries and he wont stop crying. The flood gates were open and dude just couldn't control his emotions. Then she dumps him because she says he is too emotional.

So all that to say I guess its a thin line and in this dog eat dog, competitive for affections world how are we men supposed to know what the boundaries are? Too much emotion you lose the girl too little the same happens. What's the correct dosage to avoid screwing up?

Beats the hell out of me.

All I know is that crying and vulnerability apparently are good things to show. Hmmm I should really work on that side of my personality.........naa !

"I saw tears in your eyes this week when you had those allergies bothering you so that means your tear ducts actually work"

"Yea maybe they do but that don't mean you going be seeing me crying and bawling down people place like a hired mourner at a west indian funeral anytime soon though."

Of course now I think she sees it as a challenge to break me.


jelli said...

Now you know you shouldn't talk in generalizations because this woman doesn't want no crying ass man. But since you threw the generalization out there let me throw this out to you:
Men give mixed messages too; with them being so detached from their emotions women don't know how to approach them. Me being a single woman, I have to deal with men saying they want a woman who is smart, self sufficient, likes sports etc...But what they really want is the chick they think they can sleep with ASAP or the chick they think they can save from her problems, not the one who actually has it together.

Zanstorm said...

Guys want to solve girls' problems? Alot of the times that isn't the case. Alot of guys want a simple life, especially when being married. It's usually the girls that want to 'nurture the men' or tame them, because it is mostly in the nature of a woman to be like that.

obifromsouthlondon said...

"Plexiglas thug"

i like that and it sums up how a lot of us guys have to operate. you can't win. I've seen some of my guys get dissed for being the reasonable, professional types all polite to the ladies. And my thugish ruggish heads get the women - especially the ones you'ld think would know better. Then the women come and complain to me when the mad boys act out of character.

Always baffles me. The solution? Gentleman and a Thug?

Mad Bull said...

That song is pretty good, I agree. Still, I am not into the bawling thing either. I am trying to influence my son not to be too cry-cry either, and Natty is always quarrelling about it! "If you keep doing that, he'll turn out like you, where he can't show his emotions!".
"Rubbish!", I say. "Didn't I just buy you dinner? Didn't I just wash up the dishes? Doesn't that say, 'I love you'"?

Mad Bull said...

Continuation : She replied, "No. It says that you know that I wasn't cooking one %$#@ thing OR washing up again tonight and you were hungry, so you went out and bought something!".

I beg to differ though... you don't have to cry to show emotions. I successfully show anger a lot. Disgust too. I'm sure there are others as well.

Nikki said...

I like my man with a little sensitivity. If he's hardcore all the time, that would scare me. Show me a range of emotion.

Luke Cage said...

Yo, I cosign with obifromsouthlondon! I've seen it happen to me and other guys. Sometimes it truly does appear like a guy cannot win. I would say I'm more in touch with my feelings on the sensitivity tip than thuggish. I've got that fight in me when necessary now, but I'm very laid back, sympathetic, loving and caring when it comes the time to be.

Not afraid to shed some tears in a movie or whatever and doing so does not diminish your manhood one iota. Now bawling, boo hooing? Well, that's another matter altogether friend. Those cats need to go in the corner and get it all out of them. That sh@#'s not cool to witness. I like the solution of dude also. A thuggish gentleman? Hmm, I can truly relate. How about it fellas?

Miz JJ said...

I just hate guessing how a dude feels. I hate feeling like I am pulling out every little detail from them. Open up once in awhile. But do not cry unless someone died.

inciquay said...

LMBAO @ miz jj! I can be a little more forgiving in the crying department if your car gets totalled or your fav team loses (a tear or two - no BAWLIN'!) but that's it. Now what she said about guessing your feelings? All y'all men need to memorize that fo sho'. We just want to understand you, not embarrass you. If there's anyone you should be able to open up to it should be your girl.
We may not know what we want all of the time but we want what we want when we want it.

LOL @ mad bull for thinking washed dishes or bought food means I love you!

ShellyP said...

I'm with Miz JJ - crying is not necessary and not knowing what a guy is thinking is frustrating.

Amadeo said...

I am caught up all in this...I feel like I can't give in to emotions as it causes too much trouble...people do some stupid things acting out of their feelings. I say it's a wave big or small you gotta ride and go where you want to, the only other option is to fall off and let the wave throw you where it will. I'll say this though I don't know any woman that likes to see a man cry in real might sound good in theory, but when he starts bawling see who stays with him.

Campfyah said...

How about an even parallel... emotional and sensitive with a little bit of macho toughness thrown in. The same way you want us women to be the puurrr kitten in the bedroom and the tough broad in the boardroom. We do it, so why can't you guys.

Quirky Creativity said...

Yups!! I co-sign practically everything that every woman has said!
Especially where "guessing" is concerned. Im not a mind reader.. nor do i aspire to be one.
Therefore, expression from a man is EXTREMELY important!
No... he doesnt need to crying an' ting...
But it would be nice if he was conscious enuff to know that he's been thinking about me.... and is able to let me know that every once in a while.

Guyana-Gyal said...

I want walks / hikes / long drives exploring new towns, cities.

I want conversation about everything under the sun...politics, movies, books, sports, music...and don't tell me guys can't do it, you can, you do, you even BLOG about these things.

I want picnics, I want to check out a show at a theatre every now and then.

I don't need a guy solving my problems for me, I just want a pair of ears to listen.

Personality-wise...nice guy, considerate, kind, a sharp mind and a sense of humour.

Being East Indian, seeing men cry is normal. Yes, we're a disgustingly maudlin lot but it doesn't bother me if men don't cry either.

Abeni said...

All I want is a man to love me for me.Then I want some conversation that's beyond the trivial.Whether men cry or not means nothing to me.The thing is as long as he doesn't get on my case for being emotional its all good

Leon said...

Great post. I beleive that women want men who are strong and confident, yet emotional enough to relate to them. Grey indeed.

Honest said...

Relationships are weird and I think women want different things in different relationships. Weird I know. Anyway I can't speak for all women but I don't expect a dude to cry but he should be emotionally avaible. Emotions don't always equal tears.

Anonymous said...

as long as the guy is polite and approaches you properly, whether he is a 'thug' or 'sensitive' guy - whatever - he's got a chance. i don't have any 'type' i look for. as long as there is communication - i'm not a mind reader! ;-)

memer said...

I'll suppose the difference lies in parsing can cry and does cry. As long as the eye faucets are set to 'off' as the default, but you allow a drop of eyewater to fall every fo', five years or so, that'll prolly turn the trick.

That's my best guess anyway. Who really knows about them soft-chested creatures, anyway?