Thursday, January 04, 2007

Fete Church

How would you like it if this scenario went down? Funky fresh dressed to impress ready to party. Its old years night and you come out to get your groove on. You reach the spot and the dj get up and say "well ummm looka I already spin my new years set this afternoon so instead a music look I got this fella that gine give you all a lecture on the influence of hip hop and dancehall culture in the late 20th century. Alright? Good. Check wunnah lata."

How you would feel about that?

Well if you know how that would play with you then you can imagine how I felt when I went church old years night and the preacher aint preach and we aint even do nuh prayer business just a big lot of song and dance. Chupse!

But the clues were there that this was going to be fete church. Which clues you ask well let me break it down for you.

(oh for the record this wasn't my usual church just someplace I got invited to.)

You know you are at fete church when you have to pass through a metal detector to get into the service.

You also know you are in fete church when somebody gets on the stage and say "we ram packed and security aint letting in no more people tonight."

Fete church is also when you see nuff people wearing their fete clothes at the church (cause they probably going to a real fete after church). From the time we reach and was outside I see some women in some tight fitting, revealing, shiny glittery things and was wondering if we at the right venue. Let me tell you people I never see so much cleavage in church yet then! Almost mek a fella repent and commit himself to becoming a church regular.

Then when the sing-speration aka the worship in song lasts like a hour and a half and you only sing 3 songs in that time period and each song only had two verses and a chorus then you know that you are at fete church. Meanwhile people in the back doing choreographed dance moves and ya know that if it goes on long enough a cipher will break out.

You also know you at fete church when the salutations not only consist of amens but people cheering loud loud loud like is English soccer or a dancehall show and you wondering how long before people start throwing up lighters or whether anyone would notice you out of place if you join in and let go a "yeah yeah!!" or a 'bo bo bo!'

And of course if the service was about 70% creative dance with people running up and down the aisles with flags and streamers and girls on stage feeling like they belong to the Alvin Ailey troupe then ya dun know you were at fete church.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't like criticizing the church but I'm old school about church. I feel certain things like fetes and church should be kept separate. If I did want to go feting old years night I would have gone feting but since I decided I'm going to church I feel that church should be church. Yea its supposed to be a celebration and all that but still don't overdo it with the song and dance business. Ok maybe that's the way to get the young people through the doors and get a big congregation and collect a big offering but that aint really church.

I feel if you go to a regular church service (as opposed to some sort of special program) somebody should preach and somebody should open a bible and read a scripture lesson. Dem right there is two fundamental things man, fundamental. Read a scripture, give muh a sermon. It don't have to be a half hour or hour long sermon. Could be just 5 minutes but you should have a sermon. Am I asking for too much?


Melody said...

Nope! Yu not askin' too much. A watch-night service wid no sermon -- music alone -- unheard of!

Mighty Afroditee said...

Lawd...this cracked me up!I have nevah heard of a church with metal detectors, and turning 'way people??? Sure you naveh mek a wrong turn to a club? Did they charge admission in the guise of an offering pan?

Dr. D. said...

Straight up JDid!

Did anybody do de dutty whine!? ;-)

Anonymous said...

You had me laughing. Like MA, I had no idea 'fete churches' existed. Metal detectors? SeriouslY??

Funny Funny Funny Stuff.

Campfyah said...

Wait..dis church did up dey by Zyphrill bakery, cause I went tuh a church up dey one time and duh sing praise and worship fuh bout 2hrs de same 3 songs wid de 2 verses and chorus...whalooossss.

But why yuh ein get up and leff

Anonymous said...

LOL! Fete church! Metal detector, cleavage overload, only dancing and singing, yuh sure it was a church? LOL! Mind is a club weh them name Church!

Mighty Afroditee said...

...Tee hee. I had to come back again. Lawd, mi gut. This is too sweet. Give me the address, and I will tek a flight. Will plant some beer in my purse...tee hee

Anonymous said...

lol! Fete Church that's a new one for me.

Happy New Year!

Brotha Buck said...

LOL, I got out a fete church years ago.

Mad Bull said...

C'mon Jdid! Sermons are outdated! We're in 2K7 now! Get with the program! :-)

Abeni said...

Lol, man fete church is the way to go! Singing and dancing to the glory of God :)

But seriously nutten ent wrong as long as they moderate it. I have a problem too with some of the "gospel" songs that I didn't know were gospel until it was pointed out to me.

Burke said...

Ha ha ha ha. I don't blame you; that's a bit too much. So the person that invited you didn't let you know it would be like that?