As a child I used to postulate on everything under the sun. What made the world turn? Why were certain phenomena as they were and not different, and why me mudda wud slap me cross me head and call me idiot all the time. Sigh! Those were the days.
Well I'm older now but I haven't quite given up on the scientific inquiry just yet and so today I hand you, after much research, and with much fanfare, Jdid's First theorem. A sure hit in the world of science!
Where to start? Well lets begin with another study which was released recently.
Researchers from the University of Georgia and the University of Colorado released a paper, Ugly Criminals a while back looking at the impact of beauty on participation in crime and showing results that suggest that ugly people seem to be more likely to have a life of crime than good looking people.
The Washington Post quoted them as saying "We find that unattractive individuals commit more crime in comparison to average-looking ones, and very attractive individuals commit less crime in comparison to those who are average-looking,"
Lawd ave Mercy!
Not only a fella got to worry about environmental, racial and socio-economic factors affecting a proclivity for crime but now he has to take a look in the mirror and decide whether his features have a criminal disposition.
Criminals now have a new excuse. I can just see a guy in front of the judge pleading for leniency in sentencing arguing that he was destined for a life of crime from the time he born an ugly chile.
"Ammm your honor sir, I would like ta beg de court ta go easy on me. I admit dat I murder them 25 people for no apparent reason but sir I din have much of a choice in the matter. It was bound to happen sooner or later cause I was born ugly and the odds was against me from the start sir. Not only has society let me down but my parents really unfair me by borning me suh ugly."
But wait a second! Does this mean that if I see someone particularly ugly I should grip my bag a little tighter for fear of robbery or if a ugly fella bounce up on me I should check my pockets to make sure he aint pickpocket me? Hmmmm.
When I was growing up I used to hear people in Barbados using the phrase "Man you look like a real criminal" to mean that a fellow did looking a certain sort of ugly. Well I guess they were ahead of the time and knew something that these researchers just found out.
Anyway so back to Jdid's theorem. That report on the ugly/crime correlation got a fellow thinking. I put on a dingy lab coat, pull out two Bunsen burners and some H2O combined with some NaCl, C5H6O8 etc etc (ok I lie it was actually ethanol we use) and took out a beat up lab book to start postulating on some deep deep scientific thoughts.
Pacing up and down in my lab all sorts of random questions popped into my head. Does this mean that if I am good looking I can get away with murder since no one will suspect I'm a criminal? How ugly is ugly to determine if you're likely to be a criminal? Who determines if ya ugly or not? Is there some special Council for the determination of ugly? How is ugly rated? Is it on an exponential scale? Does the ugly hypothesis factor for alcohol influence? How does one rehabilitate someone if they turned to crime because they were ugly and felt they had no other option? What if the person was ugly but they got some cosmetic surgery? Would they still be likely to remain as a criminal or would they shape up and fly right? Could cosmetic surgery be used in the rehabilitation process? And what if the person was ugly and decided to become a criminal to get the money for the cosmetic surgery so they wouldn't have to be a criminal anymore? Its a catch 22, what is cause and what is effect? And most importantly of all why did I need a Bunsen burner in order to think these thoughts?
It was growing late into the evening and these and other thoughts percolated in my cerebal cortex when suddenly.
As I'm told scientific types are apparently prone to shouting.
Here was a theorem that was going to shake the scientific community off its very foundation and bring society to a halt.
And so I present to you, in all its simplicity JDid's first theorem. (ps: A brother needs more funds to continue this study using the proper apparatus and scientific methods so any University with money to burn out there can kindly hook a brother up with some funds to carry out the research more thoroughly.)
Follow the statements here closely.
IF criminals are more likely to be UGLY
we (meaning me) have already proven that WOMEN seem to be more attracted to gangsta, bad boy, criminal types.
WOMEN are more likely to be attracted to UGLY men.
Jdid's first theorem
That is a simple yet elegant but undoubtedly brilliant mathematics proof theorem isn't it? You cant argue with the logic or the math. Women like ugly men fullstop.
Discuss amongst yourselves and feel free to give me my props for bringing to light what was always so obvious. I'll be expecting my Nobel Prize in the mail thank you.
Next up in my continuing quest for scientific knowledge: A study into what influences crazy people like Jdid into coming up with simple, elegant yet absolutely outlandish theorems. Send funding in cash or alcohol (since alcohol clearly will have to be checked as a causal factor).