Monday, May 08, 2006

Brand New Second Hand

Ok havent had alot of time or motivation to post lately so I decided to do what the news people duz do when they dont have anything to say....fabricate a story. No man not fabricate, go back into time and pull out an old article from the archives and reprint it.

Actually I got the idea because I realize that almost every week I get a new snarky post or email from someone cussing me about my white girls post almost a year later.

Anyway to keep you entertained for a day or so I reprint the following from back when I had like 5 readers in December 2004. Respect to anyone who's been reading this blog from back then and remembers when I posted the original.

Thursday December 9th 2004

Fraud Email

Got this yesterday at work via email. I usually read the first couple of lines because sometimes they are actually pretty funny. Anything to not do work right. LOL. Sorry the blog is so long. Hope you find it funny.

From kim yo yong.
Dear Friend,
Please read this email before you conclude on my intention.
First I am Kim Yong Wo from Hong Kong Republic I am 17 yrs old and
I am in a private hospital here in Asia. I am SUFFERING FROM OSTEOPOROSIS (Osteoporosis is not just about broken bones- Osteoporosis actually causes my skull to shrink as well AND
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE IT IS CALLED THE GRADUAL KILLER) I May not live unto the next three months from what my doctor told me I lost my father last Year after a brief ill Health my father was a farmer who has interest that one day he will Start a cattle farm here in Hong Kong, but his dream never came Through till his death He was killed through poison by his Mistress. And because I am the only child of my Father this lady wants me dead so that she will inherited my fathers property, In as much as she is in control of my fathers business she still wants the fixed deposit that my father left in Europe just for her selfishness Last Month the finance company where my father deposited this fund contacted me through my fathers Lawyer to advice them on what to do with his fund since I am still a minor and very sick demanding if they could leave the fund in a trust fund or should I seek other wise.

Since I know that I do not have much time left and when I die this Lady could get a hold on this fund through legal means and I am so Scared about this So, I now decided to divide part of this wealth, By contributing to the wellbeing of less privileged people and Handicapped in the society of Asian which is in my place America Europe and African Countries It was in the process of going through my fathers file looking for any clue that I saw an old his diary with your email circled.

What came into my mind is that he has the intention of doing business with you before his death Hence I am sending this email to you to be the executioner to this fund
I selected you for this Purpose and prayed over it. At first, I did not know how to put up this request for assistance because like I told you above my father were receiving emails from Africa
Soliciting his help in accommodating huge sums of dollars for them
He was receiving an average of 5 letters everyday. He suspected them to be scam from Africa. I feel I can trust you and I am willing to donate the sum of $11,300,000.00 Million US Dollars to you for the development of the well being of handicapped in the society and also as aids for the less privileged around your country, and I have mapped out $1,300,000.00 for your own personal use to help me for this work. Please note that, this fund is currently deposited with Finance
Organization My Fathers Attorney will file an immediate application for the
Transfer of the money in your name. Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use, than enhancement of the comfort of the handicapped.
Lastly, I want you/your home to be praying for me as regards my Entire life and my health because I have come to find out since my spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition with out God, One’s life is vanity upon vanity
I await your urgent reply if you did accept to help me to show my
Sincerity I will send to you photocopies of my International passport
Copy and my school id card to assure you that I am of Good intention.
Remain blessed!

I was going to respond to her straight bajan something like this. (apologies to those who cant follow the dialect)

Dear Kim
Wait girl I real sorry ta hear dat ya fadda dead fa true! Dat is why men shud not be cavorting wid wicked wumen, ya duz got ta pray ta God ta send de right wuman cause dum got nuff wicked evil wumen bout de place. True true. Cause looka how she gone an poisin de man an he aint do she nuttin atall. cuhdear, dat is why my mudda always tell me I shun eat from any an evabody ya hear!.

But wait who is you fadda an how he did know me? wait wha you say he did name agin? Whichpart he get my email address cause I aint know nuhbody name nuh Yong Wo ya kno. At least not if my memory serve me correct. Not dat the memory like how it was a few years back but still I mean if a fella name Yong Wo I feel I shud rememba dat name cause it aint like he name Brathwaite or Brown or sumting commonplace dat I wudda got ta ask which Brathwaite or which Brown he is. A name like dat shud stick out.

Wait! Unless he went by a nickname cause one time I did know a fella name Matchsticks but dat din he real name. We used ta call he so cause one time, many years ago, he was by de corner troubling a young girl an she say "wha i aint want nuh man like you wid he two feets look like matchsticks" ha ha ha. wuhloss! Man you shoulda hear how the whole gap cackle out when dem hear dat. And dat name stick pun he. Come ta think of it I doan think I did ever know wha Matchsticks real name was. But dat is besides de point. So anyways wha dem used ta call you fadda?

But wait I aint tryin ta be malicious nor nuttin so but whichpart he get all dat money from bosie? He play lotto or he growing a lil sumting up in the hills cause I aint kno nuh farmers dat got summuch muney. A mean between you an me I used ta kno sum rasta fellas out by me dat used ta grow lil sumting in the bush one time! dem used ta walk roun lookin musty an half foolishy but dem used ta mek good muney, ya see dem dey, selling a lil a wha dem did growing. Wait you fadda was one a dem rasta fellas? Cause I know dem fellas duz got sum funny names ya kno. Wait he was the tall bony wun dat I used ta see down by Browne's beach punna marnin? cause ya kno come ta think bout it I neva catch he name so i aint know if he did a Yong Wo or not ta tell ya de truth. And come ta think bout it I aint see he in a good few years now. Anyways send muh a picture lemma see if um is he fa true.

But girl how you end up wid dis Osteoporosis disease doah? you fadda wudda had ta be a vegetable farmer fa true cause you like you neva get nuh cow's milk growing up ya. Lemma tell ya, when I was a lil boy my mudda used ta buy milk from a wuman up St George dat had three cows. She used ta bring um punna Tuesday night ina lil three jills bottle but if the rain fall she wun get down by we till Wednesday marnin. We use'd ta tek dat milk, boil um, tek off the skin an drink um. You know bout dem sorta days or you too young fa dat dey?

Man um did sweet fa days not like this pasturized foolishness dem got knocking bout dese days. Girl if you fadda wudda gi ya lil cow's milk when ya did growing up ya wun got nuh Osteoporisis all like now but I aint suprised he faget bout dat cause dem rastas like sumtimes dem heads duz be bad ya kno. cuhdear an poor you aint even see a star pitch yet. lil milk and ya wun got nuh problem.

But ya kno I still straining my head ta figure out whapart you fadda kno me from cause now I aint suh certain he did the rastaman? An wha business it was he did plannin ta conduct wid me cause i aint eitha buying nor selling dese days. Anyhow I din kno he but I still sorry ta hear he gone before I get ta talk ta he an find out wha business we was gine conduct cause wid de kinda coppers you talkin bout I feel I woulda mek a good pieca change.

cuhdear! but see how things duz turn out? Now looka how I miss out pun dat business opportunity wid ya fadda but now you offering me munies ta distribute odda muneys. Is true true wha de good book say ya know; when one door closed anudda wun duz open. But wait dat is de good book or Bob Marley I duz never can remember too good ya kno cause the memory aint as good as it used ta be. When ya get as ol as me chile ya wud understan. But I remember doah dat as a chile we had a saying dat if the door closed ya might still find a window open ta crawl through. ha ha. I tell ya!

How ya mean doan reply if I aint gine use the funds ta help dem handicapped underprivileged people? You mekkin sport!

But tell muh sumting doah. you sure, sure, sure ya wanta gi way all dis muney ta dem people so cause from where I standing I doan think dem wud kno wha ta do wid all dis big lotta muney you giving dem ya kno. Ta me I feel bout 5 ta 8 milion is suffice fa dem. Yes I kno dat dem got alot a dem sorta people bout the place but not as much as you thinkin cause peoples like politicians an de Aid agencies an de likes duz like ta exaggerate bout dem sorta people ta tug at ya heartstrings cause they know dat if you really kno hummuch a dem people bout the place ya wun really feel dat bad an ya wun be suh willing ta pull ya pocketbook ta gi dem muney. So yea dem duz exaggerate nuff nuff. Trust me girl, you still young but I been around de block a few times an I kno dese things. To me, I feel 5 ta 8 million is enuff fa dem...but ya can still send de full 11 million an I wud sort dat out fa ya. Nuh need you worrying bout dat pun ya deathbed.

An dont you worry cause from de time i get this letter I was already praying fa ya cause ya is a real good kindhearted chile ...not like ya ol wicked stepmudda. Ya fadda , God rest the dead wud be too proud a ya.

Anyways try an mek certain dat ya send long the documents ta muh before ya drop down dead. Not dat i wishing ya ill but ya kno I hear this Osteoporosis is a silent killer. It duz work pun ya an ya wun even know when ya gone. An as de bible say time waits fa no man or wuman so let we sort dis out in the early.

Anyways girl looka try an remember ta lemma know who ya fadda was, an try an send muh de documents an de muney so I cud put the muney ta good use. Tek care a yaself an mek ya self right wid de maker. I gine pray fa ya doah.

Yours sincerely


Leon said...

Brand new second hand, that's a contradiction in terms. When did osteoporosis become a killer?

Dr. D. said...

Whoa JDid....have to come back another day to read this one...eyes getting sleepy.

Honest said...

First time reading this but it was hilarious.

obifromsouthlondon said...

yes brethren respect right back to you still. still going strong.

lol dude you gotta respond with this man. let the spammers have a good read.

texbaje said...

that was a good one Jdid yuh would have lick mout lou rollin' up:-)

Lene said...

you know you wrong for that letter, right? hahahaha. keep coming with the jokes...

Dr. D. said...

Ok, I jus done read it over dinner (chicken soup)....

First off, I never realize seh I reading here since '04. I was one of the FIFTY THREE (53!!!) commentors on the white gurl post. Pity you not making $$$$ by blog comments oy uoud might be far better off than what Yong Wo dawta might waan gie you!

She a eediat still....why she never pick suppem like cancer? A Leukaemia? Might have likkle more credibility. Who ever hear seh osteoporosis kill you? Kiss teet! Tell her fe tek some calcium supplements and some 1-alpha and hold on to her millions. (If however, the funds do arrive....doh forget you blog bredrins........specially dem loyal ones who reading you from way back (hint hint!!)...sharing it with them will be equivalent to charity! ;-) )

dorna! said...

(rolling-on-floor-laughing-my-ass-off-at- fo'-dey-morning) That was a thing of beauty man. A thing of beauty.

Luke Cage said...

Dawg, a year later you are still catching wreck over that post. I remember that one man. It brought the hounds from the baskervilles out to hit your comment box. Your response here was vintage Jdid!
But wait who is you fadda an how he did know me? -lol

Urban Sista said...

You're just ridiculous. But that sounds like when my mom goes off on a tangent ;)

Campfyah said...

Yuh know yuh wrong right???? Arwitee den, I hey trying tuh finish off muh business and you got muh deadding wid laff...Even if I did read that post back in 2004, it's still hallarious some ah deese spammers really need a response like dat.

Yea, I remember the white girl post...people need a life....

Stunner said...

I hate those damn scam letters!

Bwoy, yuh really told her, lol!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

lol - nice blog folk

Kaschief said...

LOL! I would have said the same thing.

Amadeo said...

Annoying email: Free

Jdid's response: Priceless