Monday, January 10, 2011

Travel woes

Happy new year all!

Now listen very carefully I will only say this once.

Ya see me? I aint neva travelling to Barbados by no cheap plane again ya hear. Who me? No boy I cant do dat no more. Not again! Ya might save a few coppers but this cheap plane ting will kill ya stone dead.

So just before Christmas I decide I gine home to Barbados for the holidays. Now usually I duz be more organized an try an leave early an come back before New years cause ya can get some affordable flights if ya plan properly but this time I aint had no choice but to go home a few days before Christmas and the affordable pickings was slim to none cause ya know all these airlines duz double and triple dem prices once dem see December reach an Christmas on the horizon.

So anyway somebody send muh an email saying such an such a charter gine to Bim an de price did look a bit reasonable well better than the resta flights so I say to myself, self boy like ya gine gotta do a ting wid dis charter ting. So although I was a bit apprehensive I book the flight an start getting ready to go home.

Now ya see me, I really not one a dem regular West Indian travellers dat ya duz see in the airport travelling wid 6 suitcases full up a ham, turkey and more meat dan ya cud pick up during Supercentre's Run For your money when dem gine home or dat duz come back up hayso laden down wid yam, breadfruit, dasheen an every ground provision dem cud lay dem hands on an try to sneak dem through secuity even though they know dem things cant import so. No bosie dat aint me at all. I duz usually travel light light light an carry only wha I suppose to carry. Mi aint tekkin a chance wid a fella at all at all.

But wid de baggage weight restriction I seeing on the ticket from this charter I did a little worried cause I figure once I put two underwear an a bath trunk in de bag my allowance dun reach.

But anyways I do muh best, weigh de bag at home an come in under the allowed weight. Get to the airport early early early an wha greet muh but a big long dutty lawless line stretch out at the departure desk cause all the people that like dem gine to the Caribbean that day like dem leffin the same time as me. All I cud do is stan up, wait an sing long two lil hymns to pass de time. Which remind me, if ya singing in de people airport doan sing Swing lo sweet Chariot, cause dem duz get worried and start asking ya all sorta questions and fa ID an ting so.

So an hour later when I get up to the front desk to check in I put my baggage on the scale an de igrant plane woman start giving me all sorta hassle bout the bag under the allowance but the weight of my carry on count towards the 2lbs dem giving ya as baggage allowance an dat put me ova. Lawd god fadda! I tell she the ticket aint say nuttin so an me an she did gettin ready to argue loud an long when she decide to lemma guh long cause I aint know wha kinda lawlessness dem gettin on wid bout carry on weight count towards luggage allowance when we aint custom to dat foolishness.

But still de Fadda was looking out fa muh so dat get straighten an I went through immigration wid less hassle dan usual. Cause wunnah know most times dese days dem duz want ya tek off ya belt, ya shoes, ya jewelleries, eva single iota when ya passing immigration. One time a immigration woman even mek me unbutton my pants button. Good ting I duz always leff home in clean bividees cause I had to ask she if is really weapon she searchin for or is sumting else she lookin fa.

But anyways all dat drama out de way an I get pun the plane now.

First ting now de people plane ram off, not a seat vacant an dem juss happen to put me in a seat dat faulty. I feel is the same igrant woman dat did wanta quarrel bout de baggage dat had it in fa muh an gi me the worse-est seat on de plane she cud find cause everytime I put the seat in the upright position an lean back the seat sliding backwards gradually. Nuh big issue but then on takeoff one hardface stewardess come to quarrel wid me bout why I aint got my seat in the upright position? I had to let she know plainly and loudly that the seat dun brek an um wun stan upright an ask wha exacty she want me to do bout that cause um was brek before i sit down in um. chupse! See dese igrant people, when dem get a lil position wid some power duz always wanta try an mek ya look small if dem can, like ya aint got nuh sense, dat is why ya duz gotta carry dem on juss as scruffy as them trying to carry you on.

Oh and then we aint leff til an hour later than we was supposed to leff. chupse!

But anyways what really took the cake for the flight was my seating companion and I cudda write a whole blog bout she.

So I sitting down deyso in my seat on the end and a ol lady on the odda end and in walks this nice looking twenty something young girl all pretty up an ting to occupy the seat between we. So at first I look at she an say to myself is how come when I was single I couldnt get a seat next to nuhbody dat was under 300lbs or sweating like dem juss run a marathon but now I well and truly married dem wait to put pretty young girls next to me. dat aint fair at all den. chupse!

But I shoulda known ya cant judge a book by its cover. From the time the young girl sit down next to me on the plane is one whole heap a sneezing and sniffling she start up wid an she head all in she hands bow down like she ketchin bad feels. So I sitting down dey thinking boy ya in some trouble cause we already know the air circulation on dem planes doan be the best and here you is sitting next to Typhoid Mary so ya gine gotta try ya best not to ketch wha she got.

So I feeling a way and praying that I doan get sick from all dem sniffles.

Well I had hope that I cud get way and come out the end a de flight widout ketchin dis girl flu cause thinking positively I was hoping she din too bad off wid de cold. Maybe dem was juss travel sniffles and coughing.

Well people wunnah wud know that that thought flee my head one time and I had to raise the white flag soon soon after that when the young girl reach in she purse an pull out a big able jar a Vicks and start to rub down sheself from head to toe! From then I knew I was a goner cause if a put together young girl like she, ona dem types dat looking posh an ting so gine reach fa Vicks and rub down ya dun know she got to got SARs or at least H1N1 to be resorting to dem sorta measures.

Wunnah feel I duz mek dese tings up nuh? No man I got imagination but I couldn't mek dat wun up. Is true man, true true true.

And after that well 5 hours later wid de chair still not in the upright position, I get off the plane feeling sick muhself and when ya hear the shout I was sick in bed the first 6 days I did in Barbados. Did even sick Christmas marnin an couldnt get out to 5 o clock service or enjoy my ham and Jug Jug. Cuhdear!

So neva neva again, me an dem charters boy. Nevers!


Guyana-Gyal said...

You feeling better now?

You go to Barbados and you didn't bade in the blue sea in briling hot sun to wash the cold out? That is what them J'cans say, badeing in sea does cure cold.

That baggage check lady really was out to get you, is nooooobaddy but she who set you up to ketch that cold, noooobaddy but she.

islandgal246 said...

I love your blog, this had me cackling. However can you make the font much larger? It will be more user friendly.

Fiyah said...

J Diddy! Whats up bredrin?! Remember me? Used to blog back in the day. Had you on my roll and just reconnecting. Will see you around!

Jdid said...

sorry about that islandgal. I need to redesign the blog look.

bajanqueen said...


Abeni said...

Looks like I have to come Tdot to see ya cos I was in Bdos for 4 days ..sorta impromptu thing tho as I flew in from St Lucia