Wednesday, April 04, 2007

All about the Ben(jamins)

Caught this link from over at the War on Folly and was inspired.

Raheem sees his homie Conroy on the street.

R: Yo son whats up?

C: Everyting cris my yout! A wha gwan?

You heard the latest?

Latest? Wha latest?

Well streets is talking son. They say that apparently Uncle Ben is getting a makeover to become Chairman Ben.

Uncle Ben? Uncle Ben? Oh ya mean dat cantankerous ol man dat de yout one Peter Parker live by?

No son! Not Peter Parker's Uncle Ben. That cat caught a bad one back in Spider Man one. Straight car jacked son, wasnt wearing a vest and pow pow two shots to his chest and it was over. Where you been man? It was all over the streets.

Blouse n Skirt!

Naa son Uncle Ben from around the way. You know bow tie rocking cat been down with Rice since like day one.

Oh! Cha man! That Uncle Ben dat same one? Star a why ya neva say Bow tie Uncle Ben nuh man? Is Ben Slim we call 'im down de block cause de man always wid dat slim grained par-boiled business. Yea star me kno who ya mean! Chairman? Chairman? Well look how man get big! Cha! Nuff respect to de man den seen! Yes I!

(Chairman Ben comes around the corner on his Blackberry. Gives the brothers a pound)

What up Ben. (head nods and exchange of pounds)

Respect star!

Look at you all rice kingpin, cereal mogul and all that good stuff. Still representing the Nation (of Islam) by rocking the Farakkhan bowtie though! The suits Armani now right? True true. Yea son show em how we do! You done came up!

Yes Ben star you run tings tings no run you! A business man a run nuh inna but nor because (everyone joins in singing) my girl wan wear victoria secret drawers!

Driva! lawd ave mercy. ha ha ha

But on the real Ben, way to show the little man that with a little perseverance and just 60 long hard years of doing whatever it is you did; butlering, chauffering, shoe shining, cooking whatever it was that you did that we too can move up to the top rung of the ladder.

Is how ya mean? Like George n Weezy?

Yea son see thats what I'm talking about dog! Like George and Weezy. Moving on up to a deeee-lux apartment in the sky son! Word! (brothers slap five, Ben's still on his blackberry)

Yea. knawhatimean thats whats wrong with today's youth. Dont want to start at the bottom like ol Ben here did. Claim it takes too long to move up. Well he sure showed em all. Dem 60 years of hard work paid off. Yea son!

Wha ya a say Ben? Ya 'ave Diddy and Russell on speed dial? Bumbacl.....

You the man now Ben. Oh whats that? No more Ben? Its Benjamin now? Dammmmm! Yea well its about time Benjamin. Look at you living up to that potential an ish. Yea son its all about the Benjamins now fa sure!

(Leaning over Ben's crackberry) Star a dat de latest phone dey ya ave? Blackberry? Bloodfire! (leaning in closer) But wait cha man, yo see say the man 'ave text message from de one Halle Berry. (snapping fingers in the air) All de hot gal dem a rush di man! Yes star you a de dan! Respect to de maximum!

Yea man! You like my inspiration dog! Word to mutha! Dreams do come through! See this man here, right here (pointing to the still silent Benjamin). He's like the kingpin of the whole rice industry.

Ya naa touch im! 'im a de Pablo Escobar of de grain world my yout!

But ya kno Mr Chairman sar, everytime mi see you, you a remind mi of my great uncle dat dead a few year back. Mi cann remember him name. But 'im face did favor you and dat man cud cook some serious rice n peas ya kno. Serious chef work 'im a do. delicious, tasty itals de man a cook up, rest in peace.

Yea ok but um yea ummm.

What? You put in 20 Mil alone on the website and advertising? Yo fa real? Get outta here! Naa fa real? 20 Mil? Word! Yo son I checked that site. Yo that site is off the hizzy. That was some money well spent. No doubt!

A 20 million dollars ya say? American currency? Is joke ya a mek right?

Yea son 20 million American currency! greenbacks, dead presidents son, Jacksons and Grants and Washingtons and all that other good stuff! Kwahmean??


Yea son there's alot of cheddar in that there Rice game.

Cheese and Rice? Cheese n Rice? Yo star that doan soun too nice to eat ya kno. I man nuh want nun a dat.

No man! I mean cheddar son, the dinero, the duckets. Cash rules everything around me, the cream, the cheddar.

Oh seen! The money dat ya a talk bout. yes I. But so see me a say Mr Chairman Benjamin. Ya ave any place in a de company fi a hardworking enterprising yout man like de I cause I man a tired a di hustling an bustling on de street dem. Mi a enterprising yout an just want a likkle piece a legit work where I man can progress and advance and move up the corporate ladder. seen!

Yo fa real! You got space for me too cause I wants to be down with that legal rice money. I mean fa real like you my inspiration, my muse, my man, my dog. I respects your hustle.

A car pulls up. Chairman Ben starts to walks away.

Yo chek out the wicked car star! Chairman yes is you definetly a run things. A wha dat? 350? 550? Bway even dem rapper dem like Jay-Z nuh ave no criss car like that.

Yo but I'm saying Chairman Benjamin. I'm sayin, yo hook a brother up. Its hard out here on the streets. Come on man. I need me some of that rice money.

Yes chairman. Doan faget de small man seen! I ave de recipies man, nuff recipie dem from long time gwan dat my ol granny a gi mi. Rice n peas, peas n rice, pelau, plain rice, splt peas rice, black eye pea rice, green pea rice. Is nuttin but pure rice knowledge I man a bring ta de table ya kno! I can even give you a copy of my resume on rice paper!

At least give a brother a business card or something so we can stay in touch cause you my role model man. My inspiration fa real! 60 years in the game and running things. Word!

Chairman Benjamin gives them a business card, gets in his car and leaves.

Stay up on your grind homie! Fight the power!

Run tings rude bway!

Yo that Ben cat is iight! I'm saying dog he's like my inspiration, my muse, my...

Yea man, me 'ear all dat chat aready, de man gone ya kno an we already ave 'im business card. cha! chupse!

But I'm saying dog, that cat right there ........

(Seriously though you've got to check the Uncle Bens site its like a virtual tour of his office and whoever designed it seriously needs a medal or something cause they put in some work.)


Brotha Buck said...

Too funny. I'll bet the real uncle Ben never dreamed he'd have digs quite like that.

Anonymous said...

Jdid, sorry to be offtopic but I don't have an email addy for you. Wanted to make sure you see this amidst the noise and hubbub:


Crankyputz said...

wow Uncle Ben really captured your imagination,......

Leon said...

I think Uncle Ben should stay. It's more family oriented.

Charles Duggleson said...

Great bit of satire, jdid. I have to find an excuse to say, "blouse an skirt!" sometime today.

p.s. also glad someone is willing to try trilingual posting ("standard" english, black american hslang and west indian patois).

SimplEnigma said...

LMAO...Great piece. I'm dying over here. I love my people. Hehe

GC (God's Child) said...

I somehow found a way to be insulted by the website. And I usually don't get upset but I'm annoyed. I feel patronized.

I like your post though.

Ri said...

Rice again..?

Luke Cage said...

Oohhh man. That was tight. And you were right J. That designer should get mad props for the domain layout.

nahmix said...

LOL...that's a serious site!

Amadeo said...

So will Aunt Jemima come up?

Abeni said...

I must be slow cos I didn't get it right away

Lola Gets said...

Funny post!