Sunday, June 16, 2013

5 years ago

Today was the last time I wrote something that I actually liked.

Maybe not the last time I wrote something good but who knows.

See Father's day is now a conflicted day for me. How do I keep up the charade of being all happy etc when in the back of my mind I'm thinking about my dad's death on father's day 5 years ago. Kind of sucks.

And I'll be honest my heart actually hasnt been in writing ever since he died. I think my writing peaked with his eulogy (Which I put my all into trying to do justice to my dad) and then I fell into a deep funk, writing only occasionally when my mind feels too full and needs to be evacuated of a few thoughts: the joy is gone somewhat.

Should be a bit different this year too since I'm now the father of 3 (had twin boys a few months ago) so I should be like really really happy and thankful today...except I'm not really feeling it. Its no disrespect to the fam who are trying their best to make me feel happy but it just brings back too many painful memories, too many regrets, too much anger, too many questions. And you know what really really sucks about someone dying on one of these holidays that move around. You sort of have to deal with the anniversary twice a year since those days like father's day usually doesn't fall on the same day as the actual date of the death except maybe once every couple of years. Its like a double whammy.

Anyway not sure it helps but glad to get that off my chest if only to relieve a little of the clutter in my mind.

Not sure there's much more to say. It is what it is. 

Still this is cheaper than a shrink so maybe it helps.

On a nicer note. Happy father's day to all the dads out there, hope you don't have my issues and enjoy your day to the fullest


VirginiaC said...

I understand that Father's day can be bitter-sweet for you, but enjoy your fatherhood, since kids grow up so darn fast.
Congrats on your new twins!!

ac said...

what can I say. on the other hand. what if you had never met your father.just learn from those memories.

Guyana-Gyal said...

After my father died, there was this horrid pain, I never knew something could feel so bad. Then the pain became anger / depression. For a long time.

Then I taught myself to see joy again, in small things. It was like retraining the mind.

I hope this helps you in some way, JDid.

Three boys, you lucky man you.