Tuesday, February 07, 2006

TTC drama Part 3

Finally! Sorry for the wait folks.

In case you just tuned in and missed part 1 and part II.

Theophilus Adolphus Bourne: Crunk? Well I thought um was drunk cause listen let me tell you then I would gotta be DRUNK ta listen to dat CRUNK. Dat is bare noise den! Barely confuse a fella head. But anyway ya did want me to tell ya the story.

Rufus E Smith: Yes sir Please continue.

Theophilus Adolphus Bourne: So yea we gone down the road now and pass a few stations everything operating as usual. I deyso listening, enjoying the vibes, (gives Rufus a look daring him to say anything) just minding me own business like most people and I did still a lil tired so I start nodding off cause I find that the subway duz always send me ta sleep. Dat duz happen ta you too? Oh I faget wunnah so big up posh reporters doan tek the subway. chupse!

So my head deyso nodding. Boy I was tired fa true. It remind me a de day I fall sleep and wake up at Kipling (end of the subway line) instead a getting off at Yonge and Bloor. I did suh late fa work dat day that is a wonda de boss din fire me on the spot den.

I see.

Anyway, I dozing off and the lil "ping ping pong!" sound that the subway duz mek when the doors open and a whole heap a people rush on the train was waking muh up at every station. Nothing out a de ordinary happening though till all a sudden at Donlands this big able two tonne woman try an squeeze sheself between me an anudda fella.


OK?? How you mean ok? Man dat did far from ok ya! Chupse! Looka Ah mean the woman was bout suh broad so den (opens arms to full length to show lady's girth)! BIG! Wuhloss, she did suh big TTC shudda mek she pay two fares den. BIG! I aint exaggerating den but the wuman was bout the size a ona dem delivery trucks from The Brick! I aint lie man! And she get in look an see it din nuh big lotta space between me an de odda fella, a average size body might barely fit but she squeezing she big boxie self in between two a we widout summuch as an excuse me please. chupse!

Dat sorta behavior duz get pun my nerves ya kno! I mean she had muh squeeze up in a lil corner ketching a hernia den!

but to be honest I juss glad she boxie sumhow manage ta fit cause I aint de biggest fella bout the place an if she did miss an sit down pun me wuhloss boy I probably wun be here to tell you this story.

Then what happened sir?

Hol on I gettin to that! So she got me squeeze up now worser dan anything I ever experience in ona dem Cave Hill Zr vans and I real real uncomfortable. We pass Pape and now get to Chester. I deyso trying to protect wha lil space I got before the woman kill muh ta death cause I almost start feeling like I ketchin a bad feels. I mean de wuman had muh squeeze up so tight I couldn't even get up ta get way from she den. I did just deyso barely praying that she was getting off before me cause if we did get to Yonge and Bloor an she din get off yet I doan think I wud be able ta move. I might juss gotta sit down deyso and wait fa she ta get off first before I cud get off.


Anyways all a sudden juss before the bad feel ketch muh an I loss 'way I think I hear the "ping pong ping" again an den I hear sumting like sumbody holla out 'you push me!' in a real real loud unmarley sounding voice. Well I was deyso struggling against this wuman that trying ta crush muh so I din pay that much attention until I hear anudda lil high up voice holla "No um is you dat push me"

Then what sir?

That is then I look up I see dat said girl dat juss leff hayso pun the stretcher stannin up near the door and she face all up in anudda wuman face.

Then what happened?

I getting to that. Then she say 'you push me' again and she bounce the odda wuman.

Bounce sir?

yes man bounce ya kno like chuck she den. (sees clueless look on reporters face) I gotta spell it out fa you or wah? She shove the odda wuman wid she body den. Cheese on bread! You like you went school punna Saturday or sumting so ya kno.


And the odda wuman push back the said same way, um was tit fa tat!

Can you describe the assailant sir?

Yes she did big and fat and thick just like Captain Sawyer say he like dem, she had on a red flower dress look like she bring a whole garden in the train den and like I said before she boxie was real real big and she had muh squeeze in the ....

What! No no sir, I'm talking about the two ladies fighting.

So why ya ask me about assailant then cause the only assailant I see is the wun dat assault me wid she deadly behind. That thing almost do me permanent damage boy. You play you aint kno den! Looka you like you aint understand me when I tell you she almost kill me ta death, ya!

Can we stick to the two ladies who were fighting sir. I'm just trying to get the details.

Details? Well looka if you did wanta know wha "de assailant" look like suh bad ya wudda been on the train. And anudda thing besides. whapart you get this assailant ting from doah? You is a undercover policeman or wha? You trying ta mek the wuman inta sum sorta criminal now? Ya know what was really criminal?

No Sir.

That fat wuman dat almost squeeze muh ta within a inch of muh death. Now dat was criminal. Sumbody shudda get lock up den! Looka I did deyso ready ta call the priest ta issue last rites cause lemma tell ya boy if.....

Well sir one person's nose was broken. Assailant is just....

I know wha assailant mean but you aint even hear the full story an you labeling the woman one assailant. See dat! I did know from looking at you that you is ona dem fellas duz mek up news.

No sir, that's not it at all, my apologies. Please continue with your story.

Which story?

The one about the ladies fighting?

Oh dat wun. Alright then!

Please continue sir

Alright, well like I say the two a dem start bouncing up one anudda and then the odda wuman...

the assailant?

Chupse, looka I gine dun this story if you doan stop wid dat nonsense ya kno.

Sorry sir please continue

The odda wuman did look real vex and cruel that this wun that just leff on the stretcher bouncing she.

What happen next?

Well this same girl dat get she nose brek push she hand in de odda girl face.

Did you see all this occur sir?

Well from my lil vantage point squeeze up against the partition almost loss way from the squeezing that the wuman giving muh in de seat I din seeing tummuch but I think I hear the odda girl holla out "tek ya hand out my face, I warning ya."

Then what.

Well sum odda fella in the train say sumting like "um is a new year cant we just all get along". chupse but I aint know why he wait till then ta say all dat cause he cudda say dat from evasince when he see me getting squeeze kill by the fat wuman. Anyway the wuman holla out "I tell ya tek ya hand out muh face" again an next thing I know it was like baccanal in de Savannah. Sumbody swing a lash and let go two belly searchers and whax palax next thing I know the woman was holing she nose and running fa de emergency button.

Belly searchers? So there was some sort of weapon involved?

No man a belly searcher is a cuff in ya belly man. See you you like you aint ready atall ya kno

But if she got hit in the stomach how did her nose get broken?

Wait wha you asking me all dat fa, You feel I hit she?

No sir I never said.....

I aint hit she ya, looka doan try ta pin this pun me cause I know you lookin fa assailants an de first body wunnah duz look at is a black man. Looka I aint assail a fella, the only a sale I know bout is the wuns dat Sears and de Bay duz got pun weekends ya. 50% off this dat an de third.

Looka I was getting crush ta death in de corner why you doan investigate dat instead a tryin ta pin things pun me uh. I musse look like a scape goat ta you nuh but ya lie, miss Bourne fourth chile din born neitha poppit.

No sir you've got me mistaken. I'm not accusing you of any wrong doing.

Oh ya got dat right cause I aint do a fella a pang !

I'm just querying how it was that the victim's nose was broken if she got hit in the stomach.

Well I aint investigate all dat man but I hear dem say the elbow bone connected ta de kneecap bone an the finger bone connected ta de shoulder bone so maybe de nose bone connected ta de belly bone. I doan know an doan ask me eidda cause I aint a doctor.

So you are saying you didn't actually see the specifics of the altercation then? But when we started I asked if you had seen the event take place.

Well looka you ask if I witness it, an I witness it fa true ...from a distance an wid me face squint up in pain from the squeezing that the big wuman was puttin on muh but ya neva ask me bout no specifics an in what detail I see um.

So you didnt see the actual events?

Well I see sum a it but I hear more dan I see cause that woman had me near pass out from the squeezing till muh eyeballs was watering so I couldnt see summuch but I hear.....

Rufus E Smith:(very upset now) But I asked...... (sees Theoplilus getting upset and sighs) Well that was a waste of mine and the viewers time.

Theophilus Adolphus Bourne: Waste a time? looka you got me a fella dat doan talk nuff stannin up hayso talkin ta you a good half hour, telling you all this big lotta long story an now you tellin me is a waste a time? Chupse, looka I know from evasince I shudda gi you a good ............

Wait dat is the time fa true. Oh shoot I late! You lucky boy cause if I din late you woulda see who God ya serving taday.(Theophilius stalks off angrily muttering under his breath turning to give Rufus some angry looks)

Rufus E Smith: Well folk sorry to have wasted your time this morning back to the studio, Bob?

Cameraman: Bob! Waste time? Ya mekkin sport boy I cut he off wid all dat lotta foolishness bout 20 minutes ago. I was just pointing the camera so he wun start cussing we.


Scratchie said...

JDid adding story telling to the resume'

4panist said...

bwuoy jdid, you and theophilus does both talk nuff foolishness. You used some bajan terms in there I haven't seen for years. much respect, I did lol.

Sims said...

lmaoooo good stuff

Dr. D. said...

This is too good to read in a hurry before work....later or on the weekend JDid!

Urban Sista said...

LOL!!! I love it -- Theophilus needs his own show, boy! My whole family would sit down and watch that mess. Cheese you! Two belly searchers! LOL!!

Miz JJ said...

Lol! I agree with urban sista. Every west indian person knows a theophilus.

Campfyah said...

Yuh done out do yuh self wid dis short story. ha ha ha ha ha

Quirky Creativity said...

I agree with Urban!
He needs his own show! LOLOL!!!

Dr. D. said...

"Cheese on bread! You like you went school punna Saturday or sumting so ya kno."

Good one JDid....I can go work feeling irie dis mawnin! TGIF.

princessdominique said...

Man you sure do know how to tell a story...I smell a book.

Burke said...

Ha ha ha ha ha. Boy, you really need to publish this stuff and get paid for it. I'd be first in line to get my copy signed.

obifromsouthlondon said...

hahaha didy u crazy man!

"um is a new year cant we just all get along" - has to be Rodney right? lol

'ka said...

LOL.... i love the cameraman :D

i agree.. you're a good storyteller, man :)

Lene said...

classic story. i printed all three parts out so i can practice my bajan terms.

i'm bringing "belly chasers" back...hahahaha

Stunner said...

Just when I thought theophilus was going to tell what happenen! Man, that reporter have some serious patience! The camera man did the right thing and lock off the camera.

Ri said...

Fat lady almost squeeze he halfway ded.

Jdid said...

@scratchie - thanks
@4panist - theophilius head bad mine umm well mine juss mine lol
@sims - thanks
@dr d - glad you liked it
@urban sis - hmmm a tv show you say, hmmmm
@miz jj - fa real
@camp - thank ya
@qls - we'll have to look into that
@princess d - a book? where where lol
@burke - getting paid, i wish
@obi - actually thats probably the only true quote from the situation that inspired the story
@ka - thank you
@lene - yea use your influence to bring back belly searchers
@stunner - theophilius juss fulla big speech lol but aint see a ting
@ri - lol

Guyana-Gyal said...

Weeee haaaaaaa I laugh and laugh and LAUGH.

Boy JDid, you good, you good. I could hear the accent, everything.

I can just see this performed on stage or on radio. Contact some radio station that does stuff like this, and try sell it man, I telling you.

This ting too good to leave here so!