Monday, January 16, 2006

TTC drama Part I

Remember two weeks ago I told you I saw a fight on the subway? Well took a bit of artistic license with that and here it is TTC drama part I (trapped in the closet aint got nothing on us!)

Its about to be a what! A GIRLFIGHT!

The following takes place around 8:20 am on the Bloor Danforth Line at Castle Frank Station. Tick Tick Tick Tick!

Based on a true story (loosely based that is).

Are we on the air? Oh ok!
Uh ummm, This is Rufus E. Smith reporting to you live from Castle Frank subway Station, just moments ago the scene of a brutal assault which has seen one passenger left in the care of paramedics who just rushed onto the scene. We're here trying to find an eyewitness to the entire episode. (Spotting man in the crowd) Sir, sir can we get a minute of your time? What is your name and did you witness the altercation?

Wait who is you? Time in short supply this marnin wid all this foolishness dat juss happen ya kno cause I trying ta get ta work. Boss man aint gine tek no "subway was delayed" excuse agin. I use dat wun three times this week already...... an I only went work twice.

This is Rufus E Smith reporting live for channel Zero.

Channel Zero? Wha is dat? Wha I neva hear bout wunnah ya kno. Wha numba dat is in Scarborough?

Umm that would be zero sir.

Oh! Ok. Well I still neva hear bout wunnah. I duz watch Breakfast TV wid dat girl Jennifer and the odda wun Tracy, boy two a dem real nice ya know. You shud watch them punna marnin when you aint wukkin fa channel nero. I aint too fond a de one Lisa or Liza or whateva she name but dem odda two real real nice.

Thats channel zero. Sir what is your name and did you happen to see the brutal assault that just took place?

Brutal assault? chupse oh you mean the woman dat get de lash in she face? Chupse! Yea man I see when dat happen. Dat din no brutal assault ya hear! You like you tryin ta stir up controversy an mek up news. Looka I aint tekkin part in nuh mek up news fa wunnah ratings fa channel zerox.

Thats zero sir

Well zerox or zero whatever wunnah name I doan feel wunnah shud be mekkin up news.

We at channel ZERO are not in the habit of either "making up" or fabricating news stories sir. Take that from me, Rufus E Smith. Now sir again what is your name.

I is Theoplius Adolphus Bourne, better known as SweetChile, driver of X246, born October 7th 1959, brother of 7, father of 3. That one in Brampton aint mine ya hear, I did only mess wid she mudda one time an de chile doan look nuttin like me or nunna my family so if ya feel I paying chile support well ya can carry ya .......

Ummm sorry to interrupt you Mr Bourne but since you seemed to have seen the entire episode could you please tell us what occurred?

Episode? Wait you think this is CSI Miami or sumting? You feel I mekkin up episodes fa you ta get ratings and increase advertisements? Looka I duz only tell de truth, the whole truth and nuttin but the truth.

Please continue sir

Wait! I juss notice dat camera light blinking. we on the air fa true?

Yes Sir we are live on air.

Oh shoot! Why you aint tell muh nuttin. (Taking off hat and running hand over head to pat down hair) Well in that case where my manners. lemma say hello ta de wife an ta muh grandmudda Lottie and Auntie Mabel, cousin Charlie and to my bredren Mad Bull, Dr D, Obi, Buck, Amadeo and de resta de fellas and doan let me faget Bajansistren, Kami, Soli, Lene, Bajanqueen and Urban.....

Sir is this necessary?

Oh yea ya right cause nuhbody I know duz watch wunnah poo poo station anyways. chupse!

Sir the story...

Story? man I doan like wha you insinuating ya know. First ya say I giving wunnah episodes now ya sayin I tellin stories. Looka I doan tell nuh stories, my mudda raise me betta dan that. (Starts singing) "Teacher Percy say if ya tell a lie ya going ta hell as soon as ya die!" I is sweetchile not Lion de Liar ya kno.

Alright then sir. I apologize but could you please continue.

Alright well let muh start at the beginning.

Please do.

Well dis marnin I wake up bout 6 o clock roll over an say muh prayers. I think I ketching sum sorta cold though cause I had more yampie in me eye dan usual. Anyway um did real foggy outside like sumting from one a dem horro movies. Friday de 13th, jason, freddy and dem sorta fellas. I doan understand why outside duz gotta be suh dark in the marnin like the sun doan wanta wake up cause the place suh cold or sumting so.

Anyhow I get out muh bed, went in de bath and went downstairs fa breakfast. The wife mek muh favorite .....Bakes. You know anything bout bakes young fella?

Sir I really don't see how this has anything to do with ....

See wha I tell wunnah. Chupse! Man wunnah young people aint know nuttin bout propa food like bakes, and ground provisions and big flour dumplings in soup. All wunnah duz eat is French fries and all dat greasy fast food.

(ignoring Sweetchile) So when did the altercation occur?

Wait wha you interrupting me fa? You in a very much of a rush doah?

Sorry sir.

(cutting eye at Rufus E Smith) So after the bakes and a good cuppa green tea ta wake up the stomach I leff home roun 730, tek the bus down to Kennedy and get on the subway. One time I use-ed ta tek the (Scarborough) RT but nowadays de RT duz got people fa days den. I talkin bout people ram off like a ZR van then! An summa dum like dem duz leff home widout bathing. Wuhloss boy! Talk bout smelling frouzy! Last time I was pun the RT a fella get on an I almost pass out immediately. Lawd ave mercy boy, I almost thought I was a goner. In fact if the ride was anudda two minutes dem wudda had ta call the para amm amm .

The Paramedics?

No de orderlies and dem fellas wid de smelling salts too cause I woulda been unconscious.

I see

Yea man de RT duz be really too crowded pun marnings. Wait you think dem gine gi we a subway in Scarborough?

Umm I'm not sure sir.

You not sure? chupse! Wha I thought wunnah reporter fellas used to know evating. You aint got nuh big up politician friends? Wha you like you aint nuh real reporter, you musse a reporter friend.

I don't see how this is relevant sir. If you could just kindly tell us about what transpired on the subway.

Who ya say perspire? Looka behave yaself, I put on deodorant before I leff home so if anybody on the subway perspire um wasn't me. You musse smelling yaself ya.

No sir, that's not what I meant. (sighs!) Could you just tell the viewers at home what happened on the train.

Stay tuned for part II and possibly III coming soon.

22 comments:

BajanQueen said...

ROFLMAO.......

Oh man, you did the do on this one bro!!

I love it Theoplius....~lol~

Where did you get that name?!?! A true Bajan name if I ever hear one!

Keep um coming.....i'm still laughing as I type this!

~Smooches~

Dr. D. said...

Wikid my yute. Thanks for the big up btw.

I say you should be a play writer!

I guess you should have ended the post with...."to be continued"......like dem friggin soap operas that leave a viewer hanging right when the good stuff suppose to happen...course it can tek a next four months fe dat shyte to gwaan!

Thanks man, mek de mawnin look likkle brighter. :-)

Urban Sista said...

You are ridiculous! LOL!!! Thanks for de jokes, man. That brightened up my morning, fa trute. LOL!!

Burke said...

Ha ha ha ha. You're too funny man. I can't wait for part II; and don't make us wait as long as you're making that reporter wait to hear about the "episode".

crallspace said...

I just went to turn on channel zero and my TV showed a black screen.... hmmm.

I;ll try again, but I only have an antannae.

Ri said...

Yo brother that was wikid. Nex time tell de reporta bout the flyin fish and coo coo too.

Abeni said...

Man-yuh real idle.But funny stuff

N~Control said...

That was good! Can't wait for the next episode!

Lene said...

LMBAO!!! You were running some hot jokes man... that ish mek me eye wata. hahahahha. thanks for the shoutout. btw, my mom doesnt like liza either, she thinks she racist. *shrugs*

it's true, deez kids dont know nuthin about bakes. my mom aint wakign up in the morning to make me none at any rate.

and ppl do stink up the damn train. i'm ready to pull open the doors and jump the hell out before it reach the station.

'ka said...

LOL.... this is hilarious!!!!!!!! can't wait for the next ones :D

Sunshine said...

Hi Jdid-LOL-would make a good live comedic play.

Campfyah said...

De people hey in dis internet cafe thing I mussee mad or sumthing so, aI about tuh gaet kick out, ah hey deadding wid laff---You are too stupoid fuh trute doh....

Inside Man said...

ha ha..you're a crazy dude man. This one got me bustin up.

Amadeo said...

That's the news...I'm waiting to see something like that on T.V.

Quirky Creativity said...

LOL
I was waiting to hear about your TTC story!! And you did not dissapoint!
Hilarious!!!!!!
Cant wait to hear the rest!!

Mad Bull said...

Yo, JDiddy, you really mad fe true... Thanks for the shout out too! I want to hear bout the lash in the face business though.

Xquizzyt1 said...

ROFLMAO you are sooo hilarious... please hurry with part II... I'm still waiting to hear what happened on the train!!! LOL

Stunner said...

LOL! Funny! A weh yuh get dis from? LOL!!!

jelli said...

LOL...This should be on a tv somewhere. LOL to funny

notyouraverage.... said...

mmmmm - i LOVE bakes.

oh and very funny! ;-)

obifromsouthlondon said...

hahahahhahaha didy you one crazy man! sweetChile vs Rufus E. Smith! bring on II & III

Mocha_Grl said...

LOL!!! "I is Theoplius Adolphus Bourne, better known as SweetChile"

LOL...still laughing....that was great...