Monday, July 11, 2005

White Teeth

Image hosted by Photobucket.comAnd I'm not talking about Zadie Smith's debut novel.

You'd have to be living on Mars not to have noticed that in the past few years the oral hygiene industry has ramped up a huge campaign for whiter teeth. Where once you had to go into the dentist for a cleaning or some expensive laser whitening treatment now there are numerous pastes, gels and strips that one can apply to one's teeth to give you that perfect white tooth smile.

Stepping back a bit from this comment, I remember back in the day going to a dentist who was trying to convince me I needed braces to correct some small gap in my teeth because as he put it to me you cant get ahead in this world without a good smile. Hmm maybe that explains my present predicament, I'd probably be paid in the shade if I had taken his advice. Oh well, I was a student at that time, I was broke and I wasn't trying to use my university tuition to send him on an additional vacation to Europe. Hell no!

Anyway back to this perfect smile business. You cant escape the advertising these days. Whitening crystals, new whitening formulas, just put on overnight for new whiteness, brush on and see results etc. Y'all remember liquid paper (correction fluid) that you would put on your ink page to erase a mistake when you had a handwritten paper to hand in (I'm dating myself aint I?) Well I think I see something so on the market already for teeth; just brush on and instant white teeth. LOL. I should still try a ting an see if I cant find somebody stupid enough to put real correction fluid on their teeth though. Well since no one writes with pens anymore I have to find a use for the product ya know!

Although I can confess to using some of the whitening products, not seriously just like I bought a toothpaste and it had some whitening agents in it, I still remain a bit skeptical about the chemistry behind this process though. Fast forward a few years in the future and who knows nuff man might be walking around with dentures because this whitening thing cause his teeth to drop out and leff him with bare gums. lol

So Sunday morning I'm taking a break from cooking and I turn on the TV. Now Sunday morning TV is absolutely dreadful unless you want to watch televangelists and informercials. I found this movie with Renee Zelweigger and Chris O'Donnell (no idea of the name) on TBS but I wasn't feeling it so I channel surfed a bit and came across the informercials.

I had been laughing at de wife for watching some silly informercial about some new age corset (except they don't call it a corset any more and its made of new space age fibers) which lifts, squeezes, tucks and basically is a tool used by women to fool men the world over just like the damn wonderbra. That stuff should be illegal! lol. Of course secretly I had been watching an informercial for Time Life's Soul Ballad collection (not available in stores) which looks like the bomb but certainly isn't worth no 4 payments of $37.95 (not in this age of internet downloads).

So anyway there I was channel surfing when I came across a sight of some persons with this weird device clamped between their lips. Whoa hold up, what's this? Its called the Ion something (I know the name but I wont link it exactly) and it looks like a space age cross between a plastic mouth organ and those breathing devices that Obi Wan and Qui-Gon used on Naboo in Episode 1.

The informercial went something like this. Put the device in your mouth for 20 minutes and voila whiter teeth. I stayed transfixed to the screen watching random folks recommend the product and bling blinging with the white teeth while waiting to hear the typical informercial background voice tell me how this device worked.

Apparently you place a gel in the part you bite down on and then you place your teeth in the gel and then these LED light things activate the 'harmless' gel and in 20 minutes it works wonders on your teeth. Wow! That's pretty amazing.

So there are like a million 'random' people giving testimonials.
"I've tried strips and they never got my teeth that white."
"Wow this is incredible, look how white my teeth are!"
"I feel like a movie star!"
"and just in 20 minutes this is great, look at my before picture and my after picture"
"It even got rid of the coffee stains!"
"Why would I go to the dentist and pay hundreds of dollars when I could use this?"
Of course there were missing a random bajan fella who would do something so
'You, boss man lemma tell ya this! Looka, see me, my teeth did look real black den cause I used ta smoke nuff nuff cigarettes and I is a man dat love ta eat nuff nuff roast corn an ting so. But dem gi me this thing an at first I was like boss you musse tek me fa a pieca idiot cause I aint puttin dat igrant looking ting in my mouth but the fellas convince me ta do um and looka hayso (While grinning broadly) 20 minutes lata my teeth brand new den! cheese on bread I styling den, the chossels (girlfriends, women) gine like this bad bad bad."

In my opinion the best testimonial came from this lady who said "Not only do my teeth look whiter but they feel whiter too!" Feel whiter too, umm lady thats probably because the product is eating away the damn enamel on your teeth.

I mean seriously they are promoting this product and saying you get better results in 20 minutes than with 2 hrs of laser treatment at the dentist. Did I hear correct? Two hours of laser treatment? Laser treatment? You mean lasers those things that cut through stuff, that space men duz shoot at one another? Those focused light rays that are used to clean off objects and leave them looking all spick and span? Lasers that can be used for pretty much anything and your products are stronger on teeth than lasers? I don't know about you but that scares the hell out of me.

I'm not putting that thing in my mouth if they pay me. I would go the Slick Rick route "Great Scott are you a thief seems like you have a mouth full of Gold teeth" first before I put any of that stuff in my mouth. Cause anything that when used for 20 minutes is stronger than a 2 hr laser session highly disturbs me.

But I figure those same fellas that selling this thing this year going to come back next year when all their product users teeth fall out and be selling dentures made with a space age polymer developed by NASA or something so. Actually I should be looking to get some shares with them boy now that I think about it! Looka ignore everything I just say go and buy the people product and let me mek some money. :-)

14 comments:

4panist said...

I like de bajan fella. these types of products can make you feel self conscious. now I'm wondering...am I walking around with yellow teeth? oh well. I'm not quite ready either to zap my mouth into whiteness.

Nikki said...

I use Crest Whitestrips and yes they do work wonders. I dunno about that light treatment though. I've I decide to have my teeth whitened with a laser, it will be done professionally by a dentist and not with some product that I saw in an infomercial.

The Marlo Girl said...

whitestripping works like nobody's biz. in three days i saw a complete difference.

i had asked my dentist about whitening services, and he actually told me to use the strips instead of paying HIM the 1500 dollars it would take to zoom whiten my teeth.

and if a dentist is turning away good cash in his pocket, then the ish must work.

Urban Sista said...

LOL @ the Bajan testimony! I don't trust anything that's sold via infomercial. If it's worth buying, I should be able to get it at Wal-Mart or Zellers. Fuh troot.

Amadeo said...

I'm feeling the Slick Rick comment...I may have to replace a tooth and I was telling my man, if I pay for something it might as well be some platinum or something...I don't feel confident about buying a fake tooth that looks like the rest.

The Humanity Critic said...

Cool post. I must admit(posing in my toughest B-boy stance) "the whitestrips are my sh*t son!"..lol

Campfyah said...

Boy you is a real halfa idiot in trute... I cud just picture the Bajan fella comment.

So the Crest White strips really work? I always wanted to try them, but wasn't to convinces, so I asked my Dentist about getting my teeth done professionaly. I just never got around to doing it. I might have to give the whit strips a try then.

Big N said...

Forget white teeth, I'll just get silver teeth with my name on them.

Slow Metamorphosis said...

I admit it-- I use the Crest Whitestrips and I did see a difference. But I am sooooo paranoid bout my teeth falling it and developing all kinds or cavities and such that I didnt do it the full 10 days.

Luke Cage said...

LOL.. the Bajan brotha was on point. Those devices would never work on a guy like me. I was cut out to be a hands on kind of guy, thus I would have to do the cleaning myself. Sharpening the incisors, filing down the enamel off of my fangs..that kind of thing -lol- But from what I've heard from actual folks, it seems to work wonders, but it's not for this kid!

Safire said...

Alright, alright. I'm convinced. I'm about to run out and buy me a pack of whitestrips. Stat.

Abeni said...

What abt gums..anything to lighten them?

The Marlo Girl said...

sorry abeni,

aside from laser treatment (which very few dentists perform for black gums), there isn't much you can do for pigmentation of the gum tissue. no white strips for those! LOL

Natty said...

White teeth is such a big deal now... My 4 year old tells me that so-&-so mom at the daycare had yellow teeth. Ewww gross.
I think that we've gone overboard on this. As long as your teeth are strong & healthy, who cares what shade of color they are?
White to yellow is normal. Blueish white teeth is NOT normal. You see some people who's teeth are SOOO white, they almost look like they have a blue hue to them.