Unfinished thoughts here.
So I'm thinking I need some sort of image makeover.
Why? Well I keep running into these situations where folks are scared of me, scared of my reaction, scared of what I'll say or do and hence kind of avoiding me or just keeping a really low profile around me. No I'm not talking about the usual white fear of a black man thing I'm actually talking about people who I know or should know me pretty well.
Yet they fear me.
I'd rather be feared than loved because the fear lasts longer
Fat Joe - Who Shot ya remix.
that's all well and good if there was something to fear about me but I'm trying to figure out what it is about me that would make these folks fearful. Its not like I've got crazy clout like the Godfather and its not like I'm a vengeful psychopathic killer or anything. In fact if anything I'd say I have a tendency to be too nice. I go with the whole anger is one letter away from danger angle so I try to be cool, calm and collective even in some severely testing situations.
Stuff I could and probably should have blow up at I've let slide without even raising my voice. I've seethed a lot but its basically been an internal thing, I rarely let people see that they have offended, angered or annoyed me.
So what's this whole fear thing about?
I have no idea
And the fear thing makes me afraid too. I'm afraid that it's being thrown at me so much that I will actually embrace the role, like black kids who are told they will never amount to 'nuttin'. I will become the bad guy, the person to be afraid of. I will start playing that role. Yea so that scares me quite a bit.
So what is it about me that's evokes this emotion. I'm not quite sure. Maybe its the whole quiet vibe thing that I give off, maybe because they cant read me, maybe its a fear of the unknown.
Maybe these people have done me something wrong that I'm not aware of or that they fear I know and will retaliate on and so that's why they are running from me like Tokyo' residents from Godzilla.
The funny thing is its not an altogether unfamiliar situation for me cause growing up I saw the same ish happen to my dad. Folks were and still are sort of afraid of him. Yet, to me, he's like the coolest, joke-cracking, person I know. Maybe its because I'm not quick to be all happy happy joy joy with anyone. Sorry that's not my steelo. I'm reserved, I gotta feel you out first, feel the vibe, make a connection first.
But still I aint talking about first time acquaintances here, they could be forgiven for showing some trepidation but these are people who've known me for years and who I've never done any wrong to.
Yea I'm hardheaded, yes I refuse to be pushed around, yes I will tell you if you messed up, yes I will call you if I think you're trying to play me. But I'm not loud, aggressive or threatening by any means in the manner that I do these things. So why the fear? Forget a image makeover! If what I do makes me a bad guy then hey what can I say 'come say hi to the bad guy'.