Friday, January 28, 2005

Passing me by

Part 3 in the relationship series

Now there she goes again, the dopest Ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin in slow motion
when-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
Wait, no, I did not really pursue my little princess with persistence;
And I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
From a distance I desired, secretly admired her;
Wired her a letter to get her, and it went:
My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you about the feelings I have for you
When I try, or make some sort of attempt, I symp
Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp!
'Cause then I would let you know that I love you so
And if I was your man then I would be true
The only lying I would do is in the bed with you
Then I signed sincerely the one who loves you dearly, PS love me tender
The letter came back three days later: Return to Sender

Pharcyde - She keeps on passin me by

Let me spin you a story about a younger Jdid. I aint gonna front I was motivated by this story that Xquizzyt1 told last week. Think I mentioned it before. Ok, I'm gonna share some real personal ish which is a once in a lifetime thing (cause like how often does that ever happen) so I'm going to my sensitive and vulnerable place right now. :-)

Once upon a time, (not long ago where people wore pajamas and lived life slow, where laws were stern and justice stood and people were behaving like they are too good) long long ago in a land far far away there was this girl lets call her Jane (Jane! Haircut like Anita Baker looked her up and down said ...) who Jdid was madly in love with. Wait no I wouldn't say madly in love, that's so cliche, but lets just say I had strong feelings for her.

Jdid was like somewhere between 17 and 21, cant remember the exact age at the time, not as wise in the world as he is today. A cool cat still, nice to the ladies but far from the suave, dashing superstar cassanova, playa pimp, gallist, international dan gorgan he is today. Yea yeah! Yo did I mention good looking? Yo if he had a quarter for everytime a girl had commented on his natural rugged handsomeness well actually he'd still be four quarters short of a dollar. ha ha ha. And if you believe that dashing cassanova business I have a bridge to sell ya. No straight up Jdid was the average guy maybe even slightly below average back then, not completely clueless but a bit dense at some points nevertheless.

Anyway Jdid had known Jane for awhile maybe a few years. I wont say how they met or anything like that in case anybody who might decipher this story is reading this. Is it too late to add a disclaimer saying that all characters are fictional and any resemblance to real people is purely coincidence? Oh well as I was saying Jane and Jdid got along rather well. They were friends.

YOU ! YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED, BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND, YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND OH BABY YOU! Sorry about that I was just releasing my inner Biz Markie. Things could get ugly up in here if ya kno what I mean!

Where was I? Oh yea they were friends (YOU ! YOU GOT WHAT I ..umm sorry couldnt help it). Good friends well at least in Jdid's mind and probably in Jane's mind too. They hung out, they chatted on the phone a lot, shared some deep thoughts, personal thoughts. They connected, they were cool like that.

How the friendship had started I don't remember. Where Jdid started having deeper feelings than friendship towards Jane I also cant remember. However I believe it was well into the friendship before he realized hey ya know what I knew Jane was cool but wait a minute am I starting to 'like' her? Maybe I should try to make her more than just a friend.

Now if Jdid knew now what Jdid knew then he'd probably had have this conversation with himself.

Present Day Jdid: "Whoa slow down son. You want to do what? You want to change her status from friend to more than friend?"
Back in the day Jdid: "Yep that's what I'm thinking. mos def! Fa sheezy!"
PJdid: "Yo kid, I know that sounds really easy in theory, but do you realize that that's one of the most difficult operations known to man?"
BJdid: "What chu talkin bout Willis?(the thrill is gone the black Frank White is here to ignite throw....)"
PJdid: "Fa real son, I aint trying to play you, we talking about doing something with a degree of difficulty of like very difficult to nigh on impossible."
BJdid: "Yo man I know you playing with me now. Whatever man! chupse! Whatever! Oh ha ha ha yo you got me good. You had me going for a minute there."
PJdid: " Yo kid I'm not playing, Do you not realize that the switch from friend to more than friend is probably one of the most dangerous missions every attempted by any man anywhere in any age of this universe? The pavements are littered with the corpses of good men who've tried. Many have tried and few have ever succeeded"
BJdid: " Please! Maybe you aint got the skills man but I'm telling you for me this is going to be a cakewalk. Word is born!"
PJdid: "Seriously man, don't try to diss me. Listen to me, abort the mission, walk away now, don't do it, I'm telling you this could get ugly. Craig Mack ugly, Shabba Ranks ugly knowwhatimsaying."
BJdid: " Uh huh! Yea! Ok right! Man no matter what you say I am confident this is going to work. Why would it not work? I mean check it out. We're friends right?"
PJdid: "Alright! True!"
BJdid: "And women are always saying they want their man to be their friend too right? They want a man who understands them and all that."
PJdid: "true!"
BJdid: "Right so dude, I'm that man. We friends already. Half the battles already won. The foundations already been laid. I got it made. (I’m kinda spoiled cuz everything I want I got made, I wanted gear--got everything from cotton to suede)
PJdid: "ummm its not that simple son."
BJdid: "Man you mekkin bare sport den! What do you mean its not that simple? We make a nice couple you know this right? We are already friends which means on some level she likes me right? Yo I'm making that move."
PJdid: " In theory, you are right but you missing some important stuff guy."
Bjdid: "ummm what stuff?"
PJdid: "Maybe she just sees you as a friend, a confidant and doesn't see you as a potential boyfriend. Maybe she doesn't see you the way you see her."
BJdid: Get outta here! How could she not be thinking the same way as me? We friends. We've shared some deep personal ish. I know her, she knows me, we tight like that. She's just playing the role waiting for a brother to step up his game and make the first move. I'm a do this like Brutus!"
PJdid: "Ummm alrighty, if you say so but umm have you considered the possibility that all you will ever be to her is a friend? Trust me guy, been there, the transition aint easy. A woman might not see a male friend as a potential boyfriend regardless of how close he is. Yes you guys got a nice vibe but still, yo this mission (flipped back got into a fighting position) has a 99.5% chance of failure."
BJdid: "yea ok guy, whatever, man. "
PJdid: "Listen to me youngster. Think about it. Lets flip the script. Aren't there girls who you talk to who could possibly like you more than you like them or like you in a way that you don't like them?"
BJdid: "yea true but so? Its not the same thing here man. We tight, we like this, I'm feeling a connection. Trust me I'm right."
PJdid: " Ok I cant convince you it seems. I tried but you're hellbent on this so do what ya wanta but don't say I didn't try to set you straight."
BJdid: "Chupse! Yea you old cats think you know it all don't you? Yea whatever guy!"
PJdid: "oh its like that? Ok you a stubborn lil knuckhead aint you, oh well, things aint change I guess. Ha ha so I guess you'll have to learn the hard way. Hardears ya wun hear, own way ya gine feel"

But back in the day Jdid wasn't listening. He was on a mission

(Threw on the trench, kissed the girl good-bye
She said, special ed, don’t go, you might die
Started cryin and huggin on me, so I shut her
I said, sorry baby, but I gotta do what I gotta) Special Ed - the Mission

Actually that conversation never took place but even if it did he probably wouldn't have listened. He was hell bent on making that move.

Still something slowed him down so he waited a bit. He decided to analyze everything over again being still sort of a cautious yout, look for hints.(I haven't gone as far as asking if I could get with her, I just play it by ear and hope she gets the picture, I'm shootin for her heart, got my finger on the trigger, she could be my broad, and I could be her....)

He was certain he was right but what if he wasn't? What if as Pharcyde said " I guess a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye" Plus he had a little fear thing going on with making that move cause he really really valued the friendship (which was why he wanted something more) with her and what if there was a tiny minute chance he was wrong? What if this blew up in his face and he lost not only the chance to be more than friends but he also lost the friendship?

Whoa. Pretty hard to imagine and to deal with. So he thought positive thoughts.

Now the conversation that didn't happen above wasn't enough to stop him, he never thought about the validity of Jane seeing him as only a good friend, close though they may have been, but this thought of risking the friendship stopped him stone cold in his tracks like the sight of Medusa's locks. (I drink moet with Medusa gave her shotguns in hell). Scary.

So, (to speed up the story) he held off because he was afraid of risking the loss of the friendship although deep down he knew he wanted more.

Time passed slowly, Jdid moved away but he still remained pretty close to Jane, in fact nothing really changed and Jdid still retained his feelings but didn't act. Fear of losing the friendship had left him paralyzed I guess.

But Jdid being Jdid, the man whose leading personality trait is possibly he needs to know straight up no B.S, finally one day out of the blue regained the courage that had somehow deserted him somewhere along the line. He said nothing ventured nothing gained and he did it. With trembling hands, Jdid wrote this long, long, long rambling letter (something like this rambling blog) to Jane (of course it was rambling when do I not ramble?) saying basically how much he liked her as a friend, how he felt about her and how he wanted to be more than friends. Sigh! Finally! Man that was a load off his chest. Exhale!

Oh yea he could have actually called her but seeing as how he saw himself as more articulate (meaning over longwinded) with the written word he wrote.

And so as the clock ticked and the days went by he waited anxiously for a response.

And it came (Punks jump up to get beat down). Jane wrote him back. While flattered she was not interested in Jdid the way he was in her. Cuhdear, poor fella! If only Present day Jdid (PJdid) could have warned him and he would have listened. So Jdid was crushed, devastated, hurt, embarrassed that he had poured out his soul in the letter, ashamed that he had failed in his quest, he felt like an idiot, a moron, a loser, it hit him deep in his core. Plus worse than not getting the relationship he wanted he probably ruined the much valued friendship too. Damn! Why didn't he just keep his mouth shut?

Anyway he moved on. He dealt with it in his own way. Subconsciously he threw himself with as much fervor as possible into his work and tried not to think about it much. But three months down the line he looked at the letter again and it still hurt but he dealt with his pain somehow (its too painful to remember sniff sniff) and he put his whole Jane and Jdid as a couple idea to rest.

Moral of the story. The friends to more than friends thing doesn't work in 90% of situations because one party just doesn't see the other party as more than a friend.

Addendum: As for the friendship lost. Well as mentioned Jdid really valued the friendship but was it lost forever? The good news is that Jdid decided again hey nothing ventured nothing gained so he took the initiative in trying to see if he could revive the friendship. He had moved on and realized it would never be but he still thought that the friendship was worth holding onto so he reached out to Jane and after a few tentative steps the friendship was rekindled. Its still going pretty strong actually. Oh yea and Jdid moved on to become an ol gallist, man ave nuff gal dem! yea yeah! The End

BJdid: "yeah right!"
PJdid: " hey let me tell the story the way I want to."
BJdid: " Oh whatever , ol gallist my foot! ya know I never thought you'd be senile so young."
PJdid: " Oh ya full a jokes (but ya name aint Flex). you is a stupid yout. If ya had a listen ta me. chupse! I told you it wouldn't work, you need two good slaps cross you head ya kno cause if you had listened to me in the first place ......"
BJdid: "And ya tell the story all wrong too ya kno man. chupse I thought you did a real storyteller fa true. I mean you forget dates and details and put in a lot a foolish rap lyrics all bout the place. ya feel the people wanta read all dat gangsta gangsta talk. man you like you is a bare storyteller friend den. Yo let me tell the people MY story. Let we begin. Once upon a time dere was this girl name Shaquita....."
PJdid: "Yo you couldnt come up with a better name than that? Got homegirl sounding like a ghetto banana."
BJdid: "Man you had you turn keep quiet now. Looka once upon a time this girl Shaquita did like me real bad den is juss she din realize it yet. But I real smart so I figure she did like me before she realize an I did feel a ways bout she too so......."
PJdid: "Oh brother, I can't deal wid dese young cats no more. I'm outta here" sigh!

The End fa real this time.


Abeni said...

Poor Bjdid.According to most people you did the right thing but you eh get your wish.That letter must have been full of love words eh:).But if it best to be friends to-how come the transition hard to make? Kinda confusing.

Anonymous said...

Gotta come back and prips these last two entries on the deh pon haste now! Latah my yute. Dr. D.

Melody said...

Big up da throwbacks to Slick Rick, Pharcyde, & especially Special Ed!! Unlike them, Biz Markie's always gettin' put on. Still, Jdid, there just had ta be room for some Young MC in there, 'cause he successfully bust nuff game. Yu lucky, man. Jane coulda been de original playa from da Himalaya, an' deceived you, but she didn't, so big up to her too.

Zantiferous3 said...

AWWWWWWW... I LOVED, LOVED LOVED all the old school hip hop references. A friend of mine asked me to make her an old school hip hop CD and this gave me SOOOO many ideas. Especially Special Ed!!!! OMG...when you quoted "I Got it Made" I almost sang the whole song!!! That was a great reference.. Slick Rick, Brand Nubians... I'm feeling this post. I think I might have to do something similar to you... because this was inspiring!!! LOL

But the story was great too. LOL... I'm sorry it turned out that way... but you're a better man for it!!! =)) Whatever doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger!!! Or more jaded. LOL

Melody said...

Me again, just had to add Kwame's "Oneovdabigboiz":
Quite nerdy type that wanted to be amongst the
Older bolder colder crowd
With fat gold chains and strolled around
In tucked silk suits hundred dollar Bally boots
Hat to a tilt and a felt substitute

I slid, skid, crashed and got a crush
On her and all other things seemed like a bluff
I wouldn't dare to speak, didn't say a word
Trying to be a big boy, I just became a nerd
Doubting myself, which was a sign of ignorance
So I brought up confidence
The next day I'm panicking
Stiff as a mannequin
What do you know
She doesn't even show
But there's tomorrow, the next day she came
Arm and arm with some dude, with some gangster name
Hopes and dreams in a flash were destroyed

Baby I'm a star
You know who the hell I are
It's paying off a lot
I had everyone rocking the streets and wanting the polka dots

Jdid said...

Abeni, to be honest I dont remember what I said in the letter but I think the word love may be in there somewhere a few times
Dr, yea come back and give it a read, I think ya may like it
Melody, yea Jane deserves a big up fa real for tellin me the truth. I'th rather that than a lie. Oh and whoa you pulled out the kwame! oh man now thats taking it back to the old school. wow!
Xquizzyt1, glad you liked it after all your post was the inspiration. When I get my big awards I'm a give you a shout out, ha ha ha. by the way why is it that everyne just loves I got it made? man thats like the old school joint right there

Shana said...

Yes the transition from friends to lovers can be a hard one however it CAN work. I think my best relationships have been with people who I established a long a trusting friendship with. However it does have to be a mutual thing. . . . I can imagine the emotions that you have to endure if one person feels differently than the other.

Cymple said...

It is indeed a hard transition. I actually had someone send me a letter like you did. Only difference is that I never responded because I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't interested like that. That was like 4 years ago and I still have to hear about how I played him. He's still my *bestest* friend.

I like the way you threw in the accent lol. e.g. Hardears ya wun hear, own way ya gine feel

Anonymous said...

Interesting likkle story, tho I didn't know the rap inserts. A so it go man, thats why you mustn't friend dem till you done rush dem. If you get turn back, you friend dem. Me nuh like the friend thing. From me attracted in any way, me a go put argument before friendly chatter.

Mad Bull

obifromsouthlondon said...

Awwww. Wonder what treatment the good Dr. JLuv would have offered the young didy? We've been through it all. Likewise, I failed to get the "dope Ethopian" (man I love that tune to death, fatlip's verse right?). and it always hurt.

Years later we met up again and girl tormented me infront of my mans dem. "Obs remember the letter you wrote me?". mans to me in unison "what letter?". I denied Jesus three times. I aint having dat. lol.

boy when I think of the stupidness of the days of my youth ... cringe material.

Anonymous said...

It can be difficult to get from 'friends' to more than that.

Found the PJDid and BJDid chat interesting. Didn't recognize the rapper ting either. Dr. D.

Anonymous said...

The way I see it, you either make the choice to let the other person know how you feel about them, or keep quiet and wonder what could have been the rest of your life. You made the choice to let her know how you felt, and although she didn't feel the same way, at least you were able to rekindle your friendship. Like you said, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Jdid said...

Shana I'm not saying the transition cant work but its really difficult sometimes. It also hurts worse if its a friend you like and they reject you
Cymple welcome. so youu never explained to the guy why you couldnt get with him?
Mad Bull I agree with you 100%
Obi man some of the things we did in the younger days makes me cringe
Dr D yea you can say PJdid and BJdid are my split personalities ha ha ha. there's a padded room out there somewhere with my name on it
Anon, yea you do what you gotta do. Depends on personalities, I needed to know. some folk just sort of drag it out for decades hoping