Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Possessiveness

Well today I'm starting my three part relationship series. Yep ya heard it right! :-) I turning psychologist and romance doctor combined. New alternative career. You can call me the love doctor Jdid. Dat is LOVE doctor not SEX doctor so don't come to me wid no freaky stories about how you do dis, dat an the third. La la la, I aint listening cause I aint wanta hear nun a dat! Keep that to yourselves. Its LOVE doctor get it right ha ha. Anybody know that oldies song that goes 'I am your doctor love, call my number any time' or y'all too young fa that?

Just kidding though, romance doctor, love doctor or sex doctor I aint. Anyway by claiming that this is a three part series I'm putting some pressure on myself to come up with three blogs this week on relationships. Lets see if I can live up to it.

No but seriously I cant claim to have any expertise in these areas of relationships between the sexes so if you see something here and it influence you somehow don't come back looking to blame me or beat me up because you were stupid enough to listen to me. Read the name of the blog before you take me serious. Oh and look just for the record if ya got gay issues ya on ya own cause I aint know nuttin atall atall bout dat so brek fa yaself. Anyway to be honest its just I had a few things I felt like saying and sharing, mainly observations on relationships so I'm not really offering any solutions just talking out loud. Actually I'm more trying to solicit responses and provoke some comments as well hoping that my foolish self will learn a thing or two.

But enough dilly dallying. Today I'm talking about possessiveness.

Now, in some relationships certain parties are very possessive of their partner. It can either be the man or the woman who is possessive but since I'm a man I am going to struggle with it sort of from the man's point of view. Of course the woman's point of view may not be dissimilar but the ladies will have to tell me that.

Anyway I was listening to someone tell me about her possessive boyfriend's actions last week which really embarrassed her and I thought to myself what would possess a man to act in the manner he did. Why do some guys act so crazy over their ladies?

I don't think I really have an answer and the wife said since I am the complete opposite of possessive its unlikely I would ever understand (cheese on bread! Some women ya juss cann please nuh. chupse!) but I still find the behavior to be worth speaking of.

Well lets start by looking at symptoms of the behavior. Stuff like guys wanting to battle other men for just looking at their ladies, stuff like checking their woman's cell phone or not even wanting her to talk to her male workmates or male friends. Issuing directives to their ladies, checking up on their whereabouts at all times. That's just the start because it might then lead to behavior like restricting her movements, she cant go out with friends, cant go certain places etc then possibly onto battery and abuse to keep her "in line" and in the ultimate cases murdering the women due to some misguided thought process where the logic is if I cant have you no-one else can. What possesses men to be so possessive?

(Sitting in chair with lounge jacket while smoking pipe)To me the possessive behavior may stem from jealousy or it might signal one party's need to be dominant over the other party and possibly a certain deep seeded fear that the other party will leave them on a whim. It also could signal some conscious or unconscious lack of trust in the other partner. It could also infer that the possessive partner may have some sort of inferiority complex or it may infer that the possessive partner sees the other person as his/her property. Regardless of you view it, I'm thinking that the relationship just might not really be on stable ground.

Now ignoring the domination trait and the viewing your partner as property issue lets look at the other reasons I discussed. Well I'm no psychiatrist but everything else I mentioned seems to stem from one root which is some sort of fear. One party is afraid that the admirers of the other party given a chance will swoop in and take his/her partner away or is afraid that the object of their possessiveness is being untruthful in the relationship or that given the chance to be unfaithful the other party will act upon it. Now why this happens who can say? Maybe previous relationship experience where this happened or hearing of similar things happen in friend's relationships led to this thought process or maybe its just part of the person's psyche due to their environment or upbringing. I studied the sciences not this sort of stuff so I don't have concrete answers. However if some outfit wants to pay me to conduct a study hey I'm down.

Now I don't have time for the domination and seeing partners as property thing (this blog too long as is) cause we all know that nuff people mostly men got issues with dat but one other fascinating thing is that sometimes the partner actually likes the possessive behavior to some extents. Does it make them feel more wanted, more loved, more needed? Do they do stuff deliberately to inspire the possessive type behavior? In which case I'd ask who is actually the partner trying to exert dominance? Am I the only one finding this interesting? Probably that's a yes but oh well I will still indulge myself by talking out loud.

For example. To make a controversial statement that I guess most Caribbean people have heard and which disturbs me somewhat it is said that some Caribbean women like men who beat them up because it shows that the guy cares for them. (look don't come telling me no stupidness bout I dissing Caribbean people, is dem I grow up wid an know so don't expect me to base what I saying on French or Portuguese. I sure dem might have it too but I only know bout two or three a dem.) Why would this be the case if it is indeed true?

To offer a simple answer (aka cop out) without delving too deeply since I realize one could do a nice PhD on this stuff I guess its just a case where different behaviors in partners appeal to different persons right? We are all unique individuals so no one solution or formula fits everyone's behavior. Some people like to dominate, some are submissive, some can handle possessiveness, for others it would drive them crazy.

So the point of this blog? Well clearly as I wrote I realized I had bitten off more than I could chew and I also realized I really need to be more coherent but the blog wasn't to give answers just sort of put the whole possessive behavior thing out there and maybe provoke some feedback, maybe a few examples, maybe some other blogs hint hint :-). So what do you think about possessiveness? And Men why are you possessive if you are and ladies do you like possessiveness and if so to what degree?

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you've answered the reasons for possessive behaviour pretty well.

Once it goes beyond a certain point it indicates a lack of trust IMHO. What I often refer to as 'sticking plaster' relationships. De man/woman always calling every half hour to check up on their partner etc.

The possession business not good. If you love suppem, set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours, if it doesn't, it never was. I believe that to be true. Dr. D.

Abeni said...

I don't like possessiveness to the point where you get told what to wear,how to wear your hair etc.But in all relationships I think there is some degree of possessiveness and in a sense it can be flattering(kinda).However,you don't want it to become obsessive.I find most of the possessiveness to be borne out of fear or mistrust.But what do I know:)

Melody said...

Jealous & possessive--no, ah don't like that. Proud & protective--yeah, ah love that. Ah fink most people like to know that someone cares about them and is proud ov them, but no sensible smaddy really wants to be held hostage by a control freak. Some people need constant affirmation--they keep finkin' that no one loves 'em, so they always want yu to remind 'em that yu love 'em--they have their match too, Jdid, 'cause some other people need to pledge their love as often as possible in order to feel they're bein' believed. Caribbean people have different cows ta carry--some ov our women don't believe anyone will ever love 'em, an' they crave emotion, emotional displays--even if not real emotion. They need de jealous, possessive type, de duels if another man looks at 'em, de anger if they look at another man--they need that to feel special--maybe no one ever told 'em they were special. (Third-world poverty is a heck ov a fing for some, yu know.) Anyway, I'll stop before ah write a whole 'nother Blog in yu Blog! :-)

Shana said...

Posessiveness is a form of control that prevents love. Possession is a form of domination and control that stems from selfishness. The posessor manipulates in order to control for his own purposes. When a person feels the need to control someone else, issues of abuse and co-dependent relationships come into play.

In the words of Khalil Gibran: "Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul. . . Give your hearts but not into each other's keeping" (from The Prophet)

Scratchie said...

Hi Jdid, jealousy isa natural human emotion. When it turns into the extreme that's when you have problems. The possessiveness comes from a lack of trust and insecurity. Some people take it to the extreme. Melody, in her blog within the blog, :-) has a pretty accurate take on it. Some people thrive on that sort of thing. I think that the mental hospital needs to take in a few more patients when that happens.

Urban Sista said...

Possessiveness, for a woman like me, is a big problem. I don't like having someone tell me what I can or cannot do. I'm my own woman, I make my own decisions.

When I was in my early 20s, one of my girlfriends had a controlling, possessive boyfriend. At first, she thought it was cute, even endearing, to have him carry on that some other guy looked at her. Then when he draped her up in the club because she was wearing makeup and he didn't approve, it wasn't so cute.

To me, possessiveness is the precursor to some sort of abuse -- physical or emotional. I'm not talking about him commenting that some other guy is checking you, but men who are seriously possessive are trouble and watch out sister if you don't want a beat down.

Campfyah said...

OK Dr. Love Jdid....you start this series just as I read an article in today's nation about a Bajan woman in NY who was killed by her J'can husband only last Friday. He hit her in the head with a brick 3X and then stabbed her. It's all about possessiveness. I can't have you one one else can. well he ein having she or nubodie else now.

It amazes me how people can think that they can be dominering, possessive and controlling over another person especiall when it's someone who they claim to love. But the saying also goes, there is a thin line between love and hate.

Thank goodness, I ein meet the foolish man yet that claim he wanna be possessive or dominering over me.

4panist said...

Dr. Love you squimmed over one point. True, jealousy/possessiveness can be related to lack of trust, but sometimes its based on past experience. Sometimes the person who is watching the other closely is doing so because of something they have done themselves in the past. Kinda a fear of "chickens coming home to roost." Not making it right, just another reason it happens.

obifromsouthlondon said...

Love Dr J (JLuv) you on point. strange trait that possessive thing. Used to hang out with this girl till she met some guy two years ago. He cheated on her in the first year of their relationship and she forgave him.

I called her up last week to go out but she says man is all on her case and wouldnt let her hang out with another guy. checking up on her blah blah, you know, spoil her evening. I told her man thinks she might leave him because of the past runnings and thats why he carry on like that. she said dont talk rubbish.

Jdid said...

man I got sum nice comments thanks guys. I think I need to keep up this jluvdoc thing. lol

Dr D I agree wid ya the possessiveness thing aint good at all
sure Abeni you dont like possessiveness thats what they all say :-)
Melody Interesting thoughts on caribbean women though not sure I agree 100% though
Shana that was deep sis
yep Scratchie lots of crazy folks out there. pretty sad aint it
Urban sis good point about the possesiveness leading to abuse and danger. dont understand the appeal of it to some women though
campfyah yea i read that article right after i finish that blog this marnin, real sad and foolish too
4panist i actually skimmed over all of it my opinion but regarding the past experience I dont think that really gives one the right to be possessive.
yea Obi why some guys got to put their girls on lockdown even though you knew them first, so insecure

Anonymous said...

Well, speaking for myself, I used to get jealous when I felt I had something to fear, like anodda guy could get the drop on me. As to how it used to make me behave, the worst I would do is probably cuss of the woman if she kept doing stuff that made me jealous like that. Thats the worst I would do, because me not into the hitting business.... at the same time, me not into taking any lick either. >:-(
As my relationships progressed, either I got out of them (hence no more jealousy) or I got to trust the person, like for instance, how I feel about Natty...
Anyway, good post, Iyah...

Mad Bull

o said...

I just want to say I finally got through this long post... bwoy I didn't read before because I was too lazy. ha ha!

Possessiveness... ha. Well you have some great points my friend. I don't know anything about the subject, as I've never had a male companion (the 2 in the teenage years don't count since those were never men.)

Anyway that's about it for me, I can't comment. I just hope I don't run into a possessive man.

On to the next long blog.

Anonymous said...

good blog issue,having been in a possesive relationship,to the extremes of reverse phycic attack,the possesive partner then when all else fails,purposefully goes to the extremes of making the other person feel ugly,unwanted,insecure,purposefully flirting,ALL classic traits of a twisted insecure partner!!! beware! ive been there.no more.im my own gal and proud and strong and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

good blog issue,having been in a possesive relationship,to the extremes of reverse phycic attack,the possesive partner then when all else fails,purposefully goes to the extremes of making the other person feel ugly,unwanted,insecure,purposefully flirting,ALL classic traits of a twisted insecure partner!!! beware! ive been there.no more.im my own gal and proud and strong and beautiful.