Thursday, January 06, 2005

Soliloquy of chaos

Well its snowing and freezing rain outside today. Not the type of weather one wants to be in really. The train ride into work was uneventful but walking from the station to the office I think one side of my face was power scrubbed by freezing rain. Extreme makeovers nature style I guess.

Seen some interesting blogs this morning, Kami's, Angry Dog's, Dr D , Piggy etc but alas I've still got that writers block. What's my motivation again? In case you haven't seen the writer's block he's like this big Sumo Wrestler looking dude who just follows me around the pathways of my mind. Everytime I pick up an idea he is there to say put that down or if I try to escape he runs after me wrestles me to the ground and takes it back from me. I guess sometimes you write sometimes you just sit back and read and absorb the wisdom that the others are giving. Its all good my time will come. (yea right like I have any sort of wisdom to dispense)

Actually my writers block is probably because my mind isn't really in a good place right now. I so hate Januaries (actually that was the name of a post I have to work on but gathering the thoughts coherently is escaping me). Pure drama a go on and I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. Oh well such is life!

The funny thing is in such times writing stuff like this is mad difficult but writing poetry just flows. Its rather cathartic. Not that I feel like sharing the poetry its usually a bit too dark for most and people tend to misunderstand it and think I'm some sort of crisis case, lost in the deep recesses of depression or on the brink of going postal (sometimes I'm all three but I hate being analyzed anyways) so I choose to avoid the comments by not sharing. I is a only chile I selfish :-)

So I'm rambling because my therapist says that I need to stay in contact with others instead of avoiding people :-) Yea right! Any therapist would probably just look at me one time and write on my chart 'HEAD GONE' and ship me off to the madhouse. LOL

Seriously though its a struggle at the moment, life, work, health, weather, stress you name it but as a born fighter and someone who believes God will never give you more than you can bear I battle on.

Oh what the, blah lets share an unfinished poem I just found, maybe I'll finish it today. Its not the greatest but with some tweaking who knows

I dwell within this beast
and this beast within me
strives to control my every activity
so there’s a battle inside while I battle outward forces
my frame shudders under stress and sometimes takes much losses
my frame cries as frame tries to not be crushed bear the balance
my frame wise but frame dies while its battling against this malice
my frame glides NO not so much as simply staggers
eternal mayhem
my soul long since ceased to matter
my soul long since ceased to gather
hope, ignoring passion
obscure visions loiter on
of scenes thought much too harsh to happen
my tongue much too parched for gabbing
my lungs much too tight for rapping



Melody said...

"HEAD GONE" is what a therapist would really say? (lol) "Scenes thought much too harsh to happen." Ah like that, 'cause far-fetched fantasy suddenly seems less fantastic de minute it happens fe real, doesn't it? So hopefully a harsh mental scene would seem less harsh once it happened--but maybe you'll take de poem in an unexpected direction, as all poets tend to do.

Abeni said...

The madhouse eh all that bad.You get to be you:).Re life's a struggle,remember diamond or marshmallow.

Sunshine said...

Hi Jdid-Love the poem....."my soul long since ceased to matter, my soul long since ceased to gather". Yu deep. Living in that kind of weather does promote depression, at least for me. Lived in it once and only once. Can't survive in it.
But don't you find that writing your poetry helps you at least feel as if you've accomplished something thus making you feel better? Hang in there. It does get better.

Jdid said...

lol, actually now that I look at this poem again I think most of it was written when I had the flu hence the last two lines and the whole frame staggering imagry.

Natty said...

Talented & deep .

Anonymous said...

Writer's block? Where? Seems to me you stab up the Sumo wrestler and kill dat rahtid long time ;-)

I enjoyed this read, but have to rush.....four letter word called work! Dr. D.

obifromsouthlondon said...

go on mr poet lol. nice name for post, reminds me of the gangstarr tune. peace.