Thursday, March 10, 2005

Living Dangerously

Ok I was hard pressed to link a song title to this post but since I figure I'll speak a bit about Brandi, the red headed girl, I thought the title from the Barrington Levy/Bounty Killer song was appropriate.

So yep by popular demand I watched the America's Top model show last night. Sigh! I'm sorry to say I definitely wasn't feeling this like I was the SI swimsuit contest. I wasn't feeling the desperation and the drama but hey the show is yet young so who knows. I'll give it a couple of weeks.

Onto our show. First off Lawd ave mercy after last night I'm looking at Tyra in a whole new light after watching this show. I mean usually on casual glance at Tyra I find myself pondering an eternal question that has confounded man for eons (ok actually more like the last 20 years) "Real or Fake?" Is true, enquiring minds want to know, I'm leaning towards fake but someone send me Chris Webbers's address so I can get a definite answer. lol.

Anyway like I was saying after last night now I looking at Tyra as Tyra the tyrant. What I say goes! Chop off your hair, put in that green weave, obey me now and don't give me no back chat. The woman ruling with an iron fist. She would make a great military officer.

So last night we had 14 finalists. They were taken to LA to live and they had their first photoshoot where they were supposed to be aliens. What this concept ended up being was dressing them all up like Cyndi Lauper in "Girls just want to have fun", putting funky colorful makeup all over their faces and having them pose next to a police car. I guess for persons born in the 80s dressing like the 80s is alien so maybe it was supposed to makes sense. Alrighty then!

The photographer and this other guy dissed one girl and said she had only one look for all her poses. Maybe she's a fan of the movie Zoolander and she was giving them her "Blue Steel" look. Maybe she working on her 'Magnum' look but hasn't perfected it yet. That looks devastating you know. (Watch the movie if you don't know what I'm talking about.) Come to think of it the whole photoshoot reeked of Derelicte, I was half expecting Mugatu to show up. (another Zoolander reference) That Hansel he's so hot right now. Sorry I just threw that Zoolander line in for no apparent reason.

So, now there is one bony likkle ghetto gal name Brandi wid a big shock of orange afro on her head looking like Foxxy Cleopatra's illegitimate and seriously malnourished step sister. The gal look like she's going to a Dancehall Queen or skin-out contest not America's top model. Every time I see her I expect to hear somebody holla "gi dem a run! gi dem a run!" and see her break into the latest dancehall move. Maybe she can teach me de Sesame Street sometime. The gal "likkle but she tallawa" (I think it means small in size but feisty but my friends from Yard would have to confirm that) ... Naa she aint really likkle but tallawa but I always wanted to use that phrase on my blog. Ok mission fulfilled I can retire now, lol.

Seriously though, the girl act like she nuh have nuh broughtupsy (manners) at all. Face push up at everything from the word go. She was one of the last girls to do the alien photo shoot so she was waiting for a while. My girl sit down wid her face set up like rain and her mout push up big big, big and talk about how she's tired waiting and she's sleepy. Acting like the show is doing her a favor. Serious Diva attitude from day 1. Even when she got to do the shoot she's telling the photographer that she's tired and sleepy. I mean if she had a lollipop in her mouth and started sucking her teeth, I would have thought she was Glamour Girl Sue. (Sorry inside joke there for the bajan massive, let me explain. Glamour Girl Sue is this fictional schoolgirl character, in really short uniform, that this bajan calypso group Madd made up some years ago. She's like the rude school gal, who doesn't go to school but runs after the minibus men, and acts and dresses real slack and disrespectful.)

I really cant understand Brandi's attitude though. First photoshoot, you are here on this show battling nuff good looking gal for a modeling contract, a once in a lifetime thing and you are acting a fool. Come on now. Ya living dangerously rude gal.

That out of the way they took them to their new living quarters and then they were supposed to meet Tyra the Tyrant in the morning. Hold up think I'm forgetting something. Oh yea the runway consultant came and measured them all. Everyone coming in at 5'10" and 5'9" and under 120lbs. I don't know about you guys but that's pretty thin in my opinion. That's not real woman size. Not that I saying that all women must be big and hefty or anything so but the average woman out there does not carry that size on that tall a frame. Oh but wait, one girl weighed in at a whopping.......138lbs. She's positively huge in this group. Finally someone who weighs more like the average woman. Well ya know what that means? Yep, she cant be long for this contest.

So morning came and they were taken to a beauty salon where Tyra the Tyrant had already predetermined what beauty and hair treatment each young lady would get. Alert! Alert! Black women hair issues dead ahead! Hmm Where have I seen this before. I'm having a deja vu type feeling here. lol

So Tyra the Tyrant (please vote for real or fake if blogger will actually let anyone comment today) had already decided whose hair was getting fluffed, whose was getting cut, whose was getting extensions, getting straightened, getting dyed etc. And let me pause for a minute and say I really don't know anything about fashion because I never realize that white women wore weaves too. Unbeweavable! Fake hair all over the place then! Naa I'm kidding I knew about the white girl weaves but it just kind of caught me off guard to see Tyra recommending weaves for white women.

Anyway like I said black girl hair drama. There are three black girls in the 14. One who came back to the show after being eliminated early last season (are you allowed to do that?) was told to get some long extensions. No problem here, like a good little trained minion she asked how high when Tyra said jump. Another one was told to get an asymmetrical cut. Now I really don't know what that means because when I think asymmetrical I think of geometry so I was expecting something in a triangle, octagon or decahedron on top her head and thinking no that aint going to look good. Maybe she didn't understand the term asymmetrical cut either because she had some issues with the hair style. Tyra's minions told her to just accept it, she questioned them, they made it seem like she had committed sacrilege by questioning the words of the all knowing Tyra and had to dress her down. She wasn't being too dramatic about her dislike of the hairstyle thing though its just that she was skeptical. However in this show apparently skepticism is not allowed so they were all over her.

In the end the hairstyle looked good but yes Tyra the Tyrant was disappointed in her when she came back. Off with her head I screamed but fortunately the Tyra the Tyrant is a forgiving diva/goddess. Asymmetrical girl got off with only 2000 lines to write on the blackboard. Thou shalt obey the Goddess Tyra at all times and if I ever find out who coined the phrase Tyra the Tyrant I'm going to kick his ass Tyra muttered under her breath. Ok not really but I added those last two sentences for dramatic effect

Then we came to Brandi aka Glamour Girl Sue again. At first, they told Brandi we love your hair we're not doing anything with it. Blam, quick so mouth push up big big. Brandi vex, she saying that she feel they need to do something with her hair. How come all the other girls getting new looks and they leaving her with her hair like a big Orange mop. Then they told her no we're cutting off the afro and making it shorter. Alright now this is where Brandi supposed to be happy that she's getting a makeover and she is for a few moments. Then the hair came off leaving a rather short man like style. Too short in my opinion, Brandi's too. I'm not calling it a short afro like they did on the show because to me an afro supposed to be a certain size so if your hair almost down to your scalp its not a short afro. That would be an oximoron. Its not a short afro its an afro in training. Next thing I would be walking around telling people that I have a bald afro. No star, short afro naa mek it with what they did with Brandi's hair.

But back to the episode. Brandi started complaining, commenting how her boyfriend will leave her because of her afro in training style etc etc. They left the haircolor orange but she also complained that they didn't dye her eyebrows orange to match the hairstyle. Complain complain complain and you can tell that she's not a pleasant girl to be around. Just real own way. But they did dye the eyebrows.

Oh I should note that they all did a topless photoshoot after their makeovers. Yea that should have gotten more coverage in the blog but to be honest it wasn't that noteworthy. Yea I know topless photoshoot, I should be gushing words or at least drooling or something but somehow this one naa mek it for me. I'm just not feeling these girls yet to tell you the truth and no one really stands out positively but its early in the game so we'll see.

So after that Tyra came back and expressed her displeasure about the way two of the girls, no names called yet but clearly Brandi and Asymmetrical girl acted. Instead of willingly and blindly following the lead of their great and industrious or is that insidious leader Tyra the Tyrant these infidels had the nerve to question her commands. How dare they? Don't they know that she is a Goddess/Diva who could be real or could be fake who was the first black woman on the cover of Sports Illustrated.....twice? Ya best to recognize! Off with their heads I say! Oh wait I used that line already.

Anyway to be anti-climactic it went to the judging stage. To be honest I wasn't too impressed by their deliberations, the SI guys were better. These judges seem like they play for the cameras and I'm not even sure who the brunette is supposed to be but apparently she is known for her disses. So eventually they showed each girl their best photo, upbraided Brandi and the asymmetrical one for their behavior in sort of a going to the headmaster type of way except no use of bamboo (see previous blog Make Room for references to headmasters and bamboo) and there were tears from the asymmetrical one and a wide eyed 'Who me? naa not me, I didn't do anything' look from Brandi as they pleaded their cases.

Then onto the results. Tyra the Tyrant says something like there are 14 beautiful girls here but I only have 13 photos so one of you will be eliminated. She then starts calling out those who will stay one by one. Then with 4 persons left she says there are 4 of you left but I only have 3 photos, one of you will be eliminated. Well Tyra 2 minutes ago you started with one photo less than the number of girls now didn't you? No one handed you a late breaking report saying no one will be eliminated so duhh unless you have a secret invisible photo lab in your hands clearly you should still have one less photo that persons. Duhhhhh!

Anyway they overdramatized it; asymmetrical girl and Glamour girl sue were left in the final four but asymmetrical girl made it in as the first girl from the final 4 and the final two were Brandi and I believe it was the 138lb girl (but I cant tell cause I really haven't figured out who is who yet and its not just with the white contestants because if asymmetrical girl wasn't focused on, I wouldn't be able to tell her from the other one who got the weave. Of course Glamour Girl sue stands out though ) were the last two left and somehow they managed to not eliminate Glamour Girl Sue. She heard her name called and starting crying and told the all knowing all seeing Tyra the Tyrant who could be real but is more likely fake that she will work on her attitude. Lets see what next week brings.


Sunshine said...

Hi Jdid-Finally got onto tyour blogg. Your post is funny. I don't watch America's Top Model but have flicked through and have seen Tyra the Tyrant-being tyrannical fe true. I believe those are real.
Have a great day.

summer m. said...

you think that because i'm a model that i don't know what a eugoogley is? (i love zoolander soooo much).

so no yayas or evas? that's wack.

4panist said...

only two comments? I thought this blog was hiilarious! way to go jdid, made me laugh out loud at work. only 24 minutes left in the day, but now I think I can make it out of here in one piece.

o said...

I think Blogger is trying to shut the Black folk down... I couldn't post on my blog, couldn't leave comments on yours and UrbanSista' it's finally wukkin.

Well I don't watch ANTM cause I don't get the channel, and even if I did, I wouldn't watch it. But I do visit the website to see if those chicks are as cute as me...

And TYRA THE TYRANT...hahahaha! LOVE IT!

Lene said...

hahahaha @ the Zoolander jokes... that movie is jokes. Tyra boobies are fake.... FAKE! I have prove... according to this webpage at least..

You be the judge!

Anonymous said...

My yute...blogger needs to get with the finally get into the box. Mek man all a cuss.

Had a good laugh at this actually pretty where you get de time to post suppem dis long inna de week? Tek it easy. Dr. D.

Jdid said...

@sunshine - Thanks
@summer M - thats my favorite part of zoolander. I love that word ...eugoogley
@4panist - glad you liked it. strange thing was after the show I didnt think I had anything to write on. weird eh?
@solitaire - its a conspiracy by the man to keep us under his boot heel. we got to start the revolution. yep Tyra the tyrant, oh man i'm going to get beat up for that I know it.
@starfoxx - yep i'm with you on the fakeness
@ Dr D - find that its easier to do stuff on blogger if you're using IE and not mozilla. must be a conspiracy. But yea this behavior is getting to me, I'm about ready to switch to a new blogsite if this continues.

Anonymous said...

Sorry ah late to de party but thanks fuh de recap, looking like me have to tek a peek at this show next week. That would mek de third show now dat you sucked me into, you like you trying to turn me into a TV addict or something boy.

Bajan Sistren

Jdid said...

@bajan sistren - for the record thats not true, its only two shows i sucked you into, you're the one who dragged me into amazing race