Saturday, December 11, 2004

Santa Clause

Now I don't know what I get myself into today because I promise Dr D that I was going to blog about a little Santa Clause story only to realize the story might not be worth telling. LOL

Anyway I already can see that some of my blog friends aren't big on the Santa part of Christmas at all. I had a real good laugh when earlier this week Dr D talk about "Fyah bun fe Santa" and Shauna talk about how we teaching our kids that its cool to sit on an old white dudes lap and its cool for him to sneak up into your house. Yep rather disturbing when you think about it. On any other day besides Christmas the guns, knives and cutlasses would come out for Santa and his trespassing reindeer. "Wait who is you dat play ya walking bout on my roof talking bout ho, ho ho? I gine show you who ho ho ho!" Next ting ya know two big rocks fire off at Santa an he backside catspraddle all over the ground and a fellow walking up to Rudolph and company talking about "honey where's the hunting knife? Cancel that trip to the supermarket. We don't need no turkey this year. We got enuff venison ta gi way"

Anyway I really am not big on Santa Clause myself. Never really grew up with that tradition in my household. I always knew that whatever gifts I got came from my friends or family. Think I wont push the Santa angle with my kids when I get some although me and the wife may have to fight again like with the Halloween thing.

I do remember however in Barbados there was this big tradition of Santa Clause coming in from the North Pole every year the Saturday before Christmas via jetski, helicopter, airplane and giving away gifts at some store downtown, may have been Courts. I think most of the times it was a black Santa too. Oh well. Anyways I was never amongst the throng that went down to see him. It was always seen as silly in my household and I guess I caught on to that. I was very practical as a yout.

But I'm stalling. Actually no I'm giving background. Let us get down to the meat of the matter. My Santa story happened a few/many years back, my second year up here in Canada. I went over to Montreal to spend my Christmas break with a a close family friend and his own family. This was my first visit to Montreal and man was it cold even compared to Toronto. Think I remember some -25 Celsius, (-12 F approximately).

So see me in Montreal, 20-21 years of age, gangly yout about 6 feet tall, 165 ish, swearing its really not Montreal they take me but the North Pole because the place was colder that anything I had ever imagined. Remember my measurements they are important to the story.

So me in, cold Montreal. Wunnah with me still? Ok Christmas day arrives and the family I'm with is having Christmas dinner with their extended family. Cool. nuh worries. We drive to someone's house and start to mix and mingle. Now most of them were Quebecois and bare French speaking in this place. Its worse than when I was trying to understand me bredren King at dominos although strangely enough I took CXC French at high school (and actually passed much to the surprise of my idiot French teacher) but my grasp of the language isn't that great n'est pas? What! See how I managed to sort of work in a lil French phrase like I know what I talking about. Si umm I mean Oui .

So I'm there just trying to stand up and not look totally lost or ignorant when out comes one of the older dudes dressed up at Santa. Kids gone wild, happy happy now because gifts sharing soon. Me I'm like oh that's kind of cute I guess. Nice to see the kiddies happy. Santa sits down and the kids start going up one by one for gifts. Me I'm off sitting somewhere, drink in hand, smiling occasionally, saying stuff like Bon and Oui and Es muy Importante, senorita por favor! Whoops wrong language again. I don't understand how I could take 5 years of French and 1 year of Spanish and still know more Spanish than French while living in a French speaking country. Boggles my mind! I might as well tear up this CXC certificate ya kno!

Now Where was I? Oh yes. Right, Picture this; Santa , little kiddies on lap, me in corner trying to be inconspicuous as I usually do when amongst strangers. Suddenly I realize all the kids are finished but Santa still hanging around. Now the ladies start sitting in his lap too. You go Santa yeahh! Get ya swerve on son!

But wait? Now is big men sitting in Santa lap. What's happening here?

So now they tell me the tradition is ......Everybody present sits in Santa's lap to receive there gifts and joy of joys what's that? A gift for me? No you shouldn't have? No , no I mean you really shouldn't have.

Now let me give you some more info. Everybody at the dinner not that tall, tallest maybe 5'5"-5'6" and they are mainly pretty slim too. Santa is about 5'4" tops. Could weigh maybe 120-130 ish under the pillows and stuffing... and big man like me (although I was pretty bony back then) supposed to sit down in Santa lap.

I try to tell them I aint into all this sitting in man lap thing even if he is Santa Clause or not, it just don't sit well with me. I try to tell them I turn instant Muslim and Allah forbid me from celebrating Christmas. I even tell them I lactose intolerant and that forbids me from sitting in Santa's lap. Yes it don't make no sense but in a world where a 17 year old girl can be dying from Osteoporosis a man gotta try something. LOL.

Anyways from where I was standing pleading my case it was clear Santa was sizing up me and didn't like the looks of me crushing his lap either. But well what can you do. When in Rome. So after much weeping moaning and gnashing of teeth I was finally forced to suffer the indignity of sitting on Santa's lap or rather knee. I could feel my weight crushing the poor man so I said merci grab the gift and get up quick quick quick before Santa suffer permanent injury. Although I think I see him limping bout the rest of the day and giving me one of those igrant looks like he vex.

Unfortunately I was also not quick enough to avoid them getting a picure of me on Santa lap. Nuh lie, talk about adding injury to insult. Lawd ave mercy! And had the nerve ta send the picture to my mother.

I think I've seen it once but my mother hid it from me when she realized I was getting ready to destroy it. But I tell ya if I ever find where my mom hide that picture atall , fyah bun fe picture, lol


Abeni said...

Lol.Get the picture and post it nah

o said...

Mek me quote Olivah and seh "mi laugh till mi belly bus". Oh lawd brudda. Mi did laugh at yuh a smile and gwan sweet with everybody wit yuh likkle "oui" and "non". Is true.
Mi a learn french since Jesus bawn and mi can axe where di washroom deh, and a few odda likkle words. Di eediot dem nuh teach us CONSERVATIONAL French. And to think seh dem push it pon us during first year of J-school. I still cyant speak French.
Mi gwine tek up Chinese. Wish mi luck, iyah!

Melody said...

Jdid, de difficulty come when yu see Santa as a regular human being! (lol) See him as a costume an' a lap, an' all de awkwardness woulda gone.

WIGIT said...

Can't believe ya actually told that story man....have u no shame...hehe. That's a funny story though.

Anonymous said...

Bwoy, JDid, is a wonder you never tell Santa wah de likkle yute in Sopranos did tell him...."Eff you Santa!" LOL. (Como se dice en Frances??? How de backside you seh dat in French?) Rude yute, my French stops at Oui!

Anyway, I doh tink a six foot man really should sit on Santa's lap as you seh....might I suggest...mek me behave miself....this is a post 'bout Santa! ;-) Dr. D.

Jdid said...

lol, well I think I got the worse of the embarssment but Santa got the worse of my weight so maybe it evens out.

Anyways if anybody ever ask me about that again I pulling out my best bill clinton like 'I did not sit in santa lap' lol

Mad Bull said...

Doh know how I missed this one, LOL...